December 15th, 2014 -- New Year's Resolutions Are Still Worthless
It’s that time of the year again; the end. Things are winding down and most of us are prepping to enter that two week lull where little is accomplished, and relaxation is at a premium. For the show, this is our last week on the air before our annual Christmas Vacation (PAID) which you listeners so graciously accept each and every year, as if you have a choice. We thank you, by the way, for understanding that a well rested, refreshed morning show is a good morning show. In return, we try to time our vacations (PAID) for those times of the year when many of you will be too busy or distracted to need us on a daily basis. It is hopefully, for most, a win-win proposition.
Years ago, I used to always write, this time of year, about the holidays and how to make sure you were making them about you and your happiness. Eventually, everything had been said. But it’s been almost a decade since our original series of writing and there’s a whole new batch of wayward souls who are dreading what should be one of the happiest times of the year. With that, I’ve dusted off some of the previous lies I’ve debunked and added some new thoughts as well:
Which brings us back to the time of the year; the end of it. We have reached that symbolic moment when we change the calendar not just for the month, but for the entire year that we are leaving behind. Parties will be held, fireworks set off, late nights for those who usually don’t imbibe in such will occur, and many, many alcoholic beverages will be served and consumed. The day after, we’ll all wake up and…(drum roll please)….(dramatic pause for effect please)………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………nothing will have changed.
That’s right, dumbass, January 1 is just another day. There is absolutely no significance whatsoever to the changing of the year other than the fact that you have lived to see another day. Bravo, so will have 7 billion other people on Earth.
The New Year bears no importance at all to anything other than what we try to claim is the emotional importance of it, which is all a lie as well. I despise New Year’s Eve with a passion for all of the previously mentioned reasons and more. The obvious abomination about the evening is that it’s amateur night. People who spend the year drinking occasionally, use the night to get bombed. People who spend the year drinking less than 6 times total, make up for it on New Year’s Eve and, thus, get bombed. Tons of them then drive. Additionally, people use the aforementioned bogus emotional importance that they’ve placed on the day’s significance to be more annoying than usual as they walk around reflecting on their crappy year, announcing their resolutions to everyone with ears, and uttering the phrase “I love you man” 1,734 times.
Which brings us to the coup-de-grass of idiocy perpetrated on our society each and every year; the New Year’s Resolution. What an asinine tradition. It is founded in fallacy and proves nothing more than what a weak bunch of losers most of the American culture are.
The premise itself is one founded in loser-dome. We look at our life and recognize that we are doing things (smoking, eating too much, swearing) on a daily basis in a way that we are unhappy with and have been for some time. Ok, fine…then change it. If you cared about yourself you wouldn’t have allowed the problem to spiral out of control in the first place, but at least now you know the problem, so fix it…now.
This brings us to phase two of the idiocy. Rather than attack the problems in your life when you recognize them (which usually occurs in the Summer time or Fall), you choose instead to set a date far in the future as the day you’re finally going to start fixing what you’ve broken. Brilliant. The next time you discover you have a leak in your house, decide to repair it 6 weeks in the future and see how that works out for you. Enjoy your drowning death, by the way.
If you were truly committed to changing and improving yourself, you wouldn’t need an artificial timetable to help you do so.
Which brings us to the end game; the actual execution of the resolution, which almost never happens. Years ago I was good friends with the owner of the biggest gym in Reno. He made enough money in January to sustain his business for the entire year. January 1 hit, and everyone and their fat brother would walk in and sign up for memberships. By the end of February, more than 80% of those people weren’t even coming in anymore. By April, 95% of them hadn’t been in for at least 30 days.
The overwhelming majority of people, according to research, who resolve to quit smoking for New Year’s, fail. People who do it throughout the year succeed at a rate greater than 50%. The reason for that is simple; if you are truly committed to change, then you do not wait for a certain day on the calendar to do so. You just do it. The artificial and blatantly false importance that we have placed for decades on the New Year’s Resolution is nothing more than a lie wrapped up in a false promise. It gives people something to make themselves feel good about, with no real substance. For weeks leading up to January 1, weak people brag about how this year, they’re going to change. Those few weeks empower the pathetic in our society for a brief time allowing them to brag about things they haven’t achieved without being called on it. Then, of course, failure sets in in February and people still don’t call them on it. Moronic phrases like “at least you tried,” are uttered.
By the way, I know that some of you have actually made resolutions and stuck to them. Bravo. However, using rare examples to justify an argument that is irrefutable never works. Moreover, the truth is that if you succeeded at a resolution, than you are a driven, committed, motivated person who would have succeeded anyways. All you have to do now is recognize how good you are and stop believing that you need a crutch in order to succeed in life.