By now, most of you know that I’ve been waiting for the holidays to have my back repaired. While I “should have” had the surgery in October, duty calls (hehe) and we need to be on the air  through the holidays to entertain you maggots.

My two week vacation (PAID) began with surgery and remained subdued from there, especially since the damage to my back was twice as bad as we expected. But, since I am a MAN and not a pussy like the rest of this nation is becoming (See this week’s soapbox), I am healing ahead of schedule and will be just fine. Thanks for asking.

Here I am four hours after my surgery. Yes, that’s right, I am on my feet four hours after surgery. Praise Jesus. Sorry, but I am sickened by the stories I’ve heard of people and what pussies they are and I just can’t let it go. It’s my cause in 2012.

My wife and I have been boycotting KFC since summer 2011 when they, once again, did not have grilled chicken and told her it would be a 20 minute wait when she pulled up to a drive-thru trying to grab me a quick meal during a long day of working. That was the third time it had happened in 3 months, and she swore to never go back. But because she loves me, and I was in the hospital craving comfort food, she broke the boycott and got me grilled KFC…and yes, they screwed up the order and she was pissed. Damn you, KFC, damn you.

Here I am nestled in for my night of sleep (even though there was no reason for me to stay at the hospital overnight since I was FINE, but my doctor insisted and since he was giving me special treatment because I am a huge celebrity), I didn’t fight him on it. Much.

Once home, all of my pets, Nellie, Shep and Cabernet, cuddled with me to help me feel better.

Parker, like usual, was a bitch

This is me 25 hours after my surgery, happy to be home.

And this is me 48 hours after surgery. I needed to be on my feet to help my back recover, but I also couldn’t do much! I was so damned bored “recovering” that I began cooking, ultimately ending in chicken pot pie and smoked pulled pork, both awesome.

One of the few good things about having surgery is everyone takes pity on you and takes care of you, including my Wife, Janell (who did NOT go to Yale) who made me her awesome world famous, made from scratch, homemade tacos.

The best part, however, of my surgery was that my princess of a wife, probably for the first time in her life, had to do the dirty chores she has never had to do before, like take out the garbage.

But this was the coup-de-gras: Since I couldn’t bend at all for the first few days, Janell had to clean out the dog crap everyday from the Crap-shack. We have a custom made 50 square foot area of gravel where our dogs go the bathroom (that way you don’t have a yard full of shit, thank you), and everyday it needs to be tended to.

My ridiculous wife even insisted on spraying the area with Febreeze.

You can tell she really enjoyed this chore.

Next week we’ll show you pictures from Christmas morning. Here’s a preview for you perverts that are obsessed with my wife.