Updated May 28th, 2008
Ok, so it's been a while since I've helped you ladies out there trying to land a man. Here are some sure fire ways to get your friends and family off your back. Who knows if you follow ALL of these rules you could land someone like me.
10. If your a fatty, then hit the gym there is really no help for you unless you marry a foreigner so he can stay in the country.
9. If you have kids, lie and say that you don't. Hide pictures, remove tattoos, whatever you can do, then do.
8. Don't ask if the man knows your friends, more than likely he nailed them and has moved on to you, and you really don't want to know that do you???
7. Don't spend too much time talking about yourself. Men aren't paying attention unless your topless.
6. He is ALWAYS right!!!!!!!!!!!! Live by this code, and you will get along great.
5. If your a redhead, DYE YOUR HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't want him to know to soon.
4. Movie or Road HEAD is always a great idea.
3. The more skin you show the better. Try a little nipple now and then.
2. Let him know if your rich. Spoil him to no end. Not only will he love you more but he will respect you too.
1. I know I can't say this enough, but you can ALWAYS loose ten more pounds.
Ladies, I really hope these tips help you out, I am pulling for you. And to all you guys that read this:
YOUR WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 6th, 2008
Ok, so guys there are things out there that you can't control. I know, I know that you want to but you just can't. Especially things that your girlfriend or wife say to you. The key is how you answer them or react to them. Here are a few questions or phrases that are RED flag statements and you should avoid what you REALLY want to say and go with what I have put down to avoid a conflict.
10. CAN WE AFFORD THIS? This seems like an innocent question but it's not. Especially if it's something that SHE wants. She is asking to make it look like she understands your situation, but the truth of the matter is, is that she WANTS whatever it is and will get it no matter what. If it's something for you, then don't even bother and forget about it because it is NEVER going to happen.
9. IS IT OK IF MY MOTHER STAYS WITH US? Wow!!!!!!!! I don't care how much you hate the old bat, if she needs to stay somewhere and you don't make it available then your sweetie will turn on you and let you know that her mother will be there long after YOUR gone. Bite the bullet and realize she is going to be there a while.
8. DO YOU LIKE PORN? Every guy likes porn. It's science and you can't argue with that, but of course you don't tell her that. The reason, she will ALWAYS hold that over your head, even when it doesn't pertain to what your talking about, and she will think that you are a pervert.
7. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO? This is woman code for, "I don't care but at least I'm showing an effort." Unless it's your birthday then you are not going where you want to go, and even then if you do get to go ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. DO YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY? NEVER NEVER NEVER answer this question. Change the subject as soon as possible, because you can never get this one right. Say something like, "Oh my God, is that a UFO????" Hopefully that will get her mind on something else.
5. NOTHING! If this is an answer you get when you ask if there is something wrong, then guess what????? SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!!!!!! Nothing means one of two things, either they don't want to talk about it or you should be a mind reader and know what is wrong. I would suggest that you just start apologizing as soon as you can.
4. THAT'S FINE. No it isn't. These two words mean that it is about to get really nasty in your house or wherever you are in public. If you hear these words then I would suggest hitting the deck because a huge bomb is about to go off.
3. HOW WAS DINNER? If she made it then you'd better say it was good. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!! I don't care if you are getting your stomach pumped her dinner didn't cause that. Blame it on the chili dog you had at the mall.
2. I DON'T MIND. Oh yes she does. If she gives you this answer when you ask her about something that you want to do, then CHANGE YOUR PLANS. She thinks the idea is terrible and a waste of time.
1. I DON'T CARE. This might seem a little like the last one, but in Womaneese it's very VERY different. This means that you should have been paying attention to what she said she wanted to do and this is nothing more than a test.
October 24th, 2007
Ok, I know that I'm married now and that my dating life is over. I can still help, but this time I'm going to help you if you are a guy and are thinking or about to get married. Here are some things to remember when taking the plunge.
1. NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER say that the wedding or the day is NO BIG DEAL!!!!!!! I know this is not YOUR day guys but this is the day that your bride has been looking forward to ever since she understood what the word wedding meant. They have been dreaming about how to make this day perfect and everything that they want, as long as it is possible you pretty much have to do, no matter how stupid or lame you think it really is.
2. Don't COMPLAIN!!!!! This is a big one that can bite you in the ass at some point. Especially don't do it on the day. Why you ask because no matter what it is you are WRONG!!!! Like I said it is their day, and if it is sucking, you need to suck it up and just deal with it.
3. Be ready for the worst thing to happen. This one doesn't always happen, but it is good to be prepared. If something does go wrong, and it will, just be ready for it and don't blow it off. The reason not to blow it off, your bride will hold it against you for the rest of your marriage.
4. Be ready for somebody to be an asshole. I don't know how many weddings I have been to but there is ALWAYS somebody who has to be a complete ass and bitch and moan about everything. For example they will tell you that the ice is not cold enough or something terrible like that. The only thing to do with idiots like this is to keep them away from the bride, because the bride is likely to kill them and you don't want to spend your honeymoon bailing out a woman in a wedding dress.
5. ALWAYS SMILE IN EVERY PICTURE YOU TAKE!!!!!! Even in pictures that aren't being taken by the actual photographer. If you aren't smiling in a photo it will get back to her somehow and she will want to know what was going on, so just smile damn it!!!!!!!
6. If you open gifts in front of people don't let them see how disappointed you are in a gift. People like to go off the board with some gifts and they will suck. If it is a gift from HER side of the family and it really sucks NEVER EVER tell her that. The reason is because then she will think that you think that person is an idiot and will hold it against you forever!!!!!!!
7. Don't let her hold a baby at the wedding, not even her own. Why???? Because then she will want more, and come on we as men know that we are not ready for that to happen, especially AGAIN!!!!!!
8. Don't get too drunk, and don't let her get too drunk either. Drunk people do one of two things. They pass out, which really sucks if you are planning on doing it that night. The other thing that drunk people do is ARGUE!!!! And hasn't it been a long enough day already??
9. Speaking of long days, this will be the longest day of your life. I am not saying that as if it is a bad thing, but it is a long, long day so pace yourself. I mean it starts from when you get up and are waiting and waiting and waiting for the wedding to start, then the wedding. Then the reception and then the wedding night. The next morning when you wake up you will feel like you just ran a marathon, and will be tired and a little sore as well.
10. Ok this is the last one, and it is a big one. REMEMBER THE DAY!!!! No, I'm not talking about forgetting going to your own wedding that would be impossible. I'm talking about things that happened that day. You have to remember what everyone was wearing, what everybody said and everyone that was there. Sure this sounds pretty lame but SHE will remember everything about the day and ask you questions for the rest of your marriage like a pop quiz. If you have to take a pen and a piece of paper and jot things down. JUST DON'T LET HER SEE YOU DOING THAT!!!!! Remember it is her day and as long as you give her what she wants you can use that in your favor down the road.
It can be fun for you guys too. Please feel free to print this out and use it as a cheat sheet on HER big day. Just whatever you do, don't let her see you using this at the alter.
Email me with any comments/questions about my latest tips!
March 20, 2006
Well, well, well. Time once again to help you women and men out the right way. NO more of this "Go to counciling" talk. No more of the role playing to see which one of you is more annoying (by the way, if you're a woman, it's you). This page is the straight truth. No that doesn't mean you gays can't use it. I don't hold any punches back and this my friends is the way it should be always. So here are a few rules to go by for men and women.
For the Men...
1. Don't EVER ask them how their day was, Let's cut the crap. You don't really care to begin with, so don't bother asking. If you do they will "blah, blah, blah" until the break of day and then they'll quiz you to see if you were even listening.
2. Be a gentleman to them at all times, especially out in public. Most chicks like it and who really cares about the ones who don't. If if seems like a pain in the ass to do this, then just think of it as a try out for other hot chicks around you. How you perform is important.
3. Get'em young... period.
4. Don't take her to "guy" things no matter how much she wants to go. It's a trick, she wants you to go to her "chick" things and will use this against you.
5. Make sure your parents don't like HER more than they like you. It's akward when you go to functions after you two have split up and she's there because mom and dad are sooooooo fond of her.
6. If she's gaining weight and turning into a fat cow, TELL HER!!!!! I mean you are looking out for her health in the long run.
7. If she's a horrible in the kitchen, you better learn how to cook. At some point in the relationship you're going to wanna eat something.
8. Don't ever tell her (even if she asks) how hot her friends are. IT IS ALWAYS A TRICK. I repeat, IT IS ALWAYS A TRICK. They will use this also against you.
9. Get 'em their own goddamn TV. Sure it could be expensive, but you want have to watch their chick shows come game time.
10. Your buddies are ALWAYS more important than her, just don't tell her that. They seem to get really upset when they see the light.
11. I repeat, your buddies are ALWAYS more important than her.
For the Women...
Do whatever your man tells you.
All other rules, go back to the first one.
Are You a Dumpster?
There are two kinds of women in life, the sweet "girl next door" kind that you take out and treat with respect... and then there are the fun kind... The Dumpsters!
Aaahh yes, Dumpsters. You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em, and you can't get rid of 'em when your through gettin' nasty with 'em! But you can set up some rules so they know how to behave when they are around you. So what is a "dumpster" you might ask? "How do I know if my girlfriend is a dumpster oh great Arnie?" you might ask. Well here is the official definition of a dumpster as listed in the dictionary of Arnie.... |
