May 21st, 2008

Here's my review for...

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Well, after 17 years of waiting it's finally here.  The new Indiana Jones movie, the Something of the Crystal Skull.  I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for this movie to come out and got to see a sneak preview of it and couldn't have been more excited.  Then the movie started.  Sure, Harrison Ford is older but you really can't tell.  It starts in true Jones fashion, him being kidnapped by Russians wanting him to find something at an old Army depot.  The same depot we saw at the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc, you know where they put the Arc of the Covenant.  Well, the Russians want him to find a box in there and he does so for them only to find out it's something from Roswell, NM.  That's right, this is where Indiana Jones jumps the Goddamn shark and the rest of the ocean.  This movie isn't about finding lost treasures, or finding out what the meaning of life is.  This is a spaceman movie.  That's right a GODDAMN SPACEMAN MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Never in ANY of the Indiana Jones movies have we heard about Indy and him looking for life in other worlds.  He's just trying to dig up lost worlds, and he finds a doosey here.  He finds out that spacemen started everything on this earth millions of years ago and once the last skull was returned to their burial grounds the spaceship can take them away, AND IT DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  A SPACESHIP IN AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK?????????? This is like waiting to open the biggest package you have on Christmas morning only to find out that you have gotten two lime green sweaters that don't really fit from a crazy aunt.  Thank God they at least throw Marian in and of course her son, Shia LaBoof is of course Indy's son.  I don't think that I ruined anything, that was a given from the start.  does the movie have action, yes.  But not as much as old Indiana Jones movies.  The thing that baffles me is that they made it about fucking SPACEMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was really surprised that we didn't here the words NANU NANU at somepoint.  I couldn't get over how stupid, retarded and TERRIBLE this was.  By far this is the WORST Indiana Jones movie I have ever seen.  I really want to say something good about it, but I can't.  This movie is like a crappy Chimichanga a bunch of crap all rolled up and served to you expecting a thank you and instead it gives you the shits like you've never had them before.  I HATED THIS MOVIE.  HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED HATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL" =