June 4th, 2008

Here's my review for...

THE STRANGERS

Ok, so I just got back from seeing the movie, The Strangers.  It wasn't that bad, but it was really missing out on a bunch of things that make horror movies great.  Sure, it was pretty intense, but not something that I would call a great horror movie.  Instead of paying attention to the shitty movie, and Liv Tyler, who by the way is still a dog, I was thinking about a few things that make a really good horror movie.  I thought that I would share my ideas with you.

First thing, you have to have a great villain.  I mean how can you go wrong with Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers or even the Candyman.  All of them are great and scary in their own right.  Something that is essential to any great horror movie.

Next thing you need is plenty of gore and guts.  I hate seeing what Hollywood thinks is a gory movie now and it's really not that bad.  I miss the old days when the great villains would stab a guy in the guts and his guts would spill out all over the place.  Now they just throw a little blood on the walls and were supposed to be scarred.  Give me a spleen for the love of God.

Next things you need are really cool instruments of death.  I HATE when a horror movie uses guns.  There's nothing scary about that.  And I think that the whole butchers knife thing has been played out.  I love when they use something original, like a pitchfork in one of the first Friday the 13th for example. Use something cool instead of the same old gags.  Hell kill somebody with a bunch of goldfish, I bet that would be cool.

The last thing that I think you really need to make a great horror movie is BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm serious.  Think of all the really great horror movies and besides death they all have boobs in common.  The girl has to be hot, usually blonde, dumb, and have AMAZING gazonga's!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean the first part of horror, is HOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"THE STRANGERS" =