Producer Cristi’s Holiday Decorations From Rob’s Crazy Mother
December 5th, 2008

Good Morning Toolbags! You might have heard Rob mention that I had to abandon the majority of my holiday decorations when I moved out here to work for The Rob, Arnie and Dawn Show. Oh, you didn’t? Well his Crazy Mother did, and she donated a couple of bags of her discarded holiday decorations to help make my shithole apartment a little more festive this year.

The decorations arrived in Trader Joe’s bags, which are pretty cool because they are durable and reusable, however if you read what is written on the outside…it’s pretty depressing.

One of the bags was filled to the brim with a variety of lights. My boyfriend was being exceptionally helpful by sneaking his middle finger in all of the pictures I was trying to take. Eventually I got so frustrated, I told him it was his job to hang the lights up.
This was a huge mistake:

My boyfriend chose to hang the lights shortly after watching the Cleveland Browns resort to putting their third string quarterback on the field, and subsequently losing their asses. By looking at the photos, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how drunk he was. Both of the banisters outside were covered in lights, yet only one side works because he didn’t plan on a place to plug them in.

Included in the holiday decorations were a variety of ornaments. My favorite sleeve of ornaments looked like they were handmade and covered in elf snot. The protective packaging was also something I had never seen before. Rob’s Crazy Mom used a variety of materials for cushioning such as a plastic bag, a paper towel, an empty Ziplock bag and a receipt from Mervyns for underwear.

Yes, you read that correctly. Rob’s Crazy Mom (on the sly, I suspect) slipped in a receipt for $100 worth of Women’s underwear from 1994. I had a difficult time taking a legible picture of the receipt, so I will transcribe what it says for you below:

MERVYN’S
10/25/04    11:07AM
JOCKEY FOR HER                        $8.50        
GLORIA VANDERBILT                  $25.19
GLORIA VANDERBILT                  $23.79
CHEETAH ACTIVEWEAR            $11.99
CHEETAH ACTIVEWEAR            $20.99
CHEETAH ACTIVEWEAR            $17.79
SUBTOTAL            $107.25

Now we all know what kind of fancy lingerie Arnie gets to enjoy.

This was the strangest of all of the holiday decorations. I think it is supposed to be a candle holder, but it looks like a creepy, ceramic version of Rob’s Dad.

We took special care when decorating our fireplace area with precious items like our Santa Claus Pez dispenser, a stocking given to me by my old roller derby team captain and some stupid flower pot my gay boyfriend has been holding onto since childhood. He keeps change in it to pay for his bus fare to work. 

Since we don’t have a tree this year, I decided to place ornaments randomly around the apartment. My favorite spot is on the towel hooks in our bathroom where they look somewhat phallic. The last photo is from the viewpoint of sitting on the can.

Ahh… The Great Mistletoe Debacle of 2008. Originally we hung the mistletoe/berryball in the doorway to the entrance of our home, but my boyfriend and I wacked ourselves on the head so many times when we walked in the door that we ended up moving it above the couch. As we all know, the couch is the greatest makeout area of them all.

And finally a random cute picture of my cats, for shits & giggles.

Sleazin’s Greetings, Crappy New Year & Up Yours,
Producer Cristi

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