Here is the area of the web site where you can get the inside scoop behind the scenes from the perspective of the Producers. |
September 5th, 2008 --
PRODUCER BRANDON NEEDS A FACIAL
This morning while checking out Palin Watch 2008 on Fox News, Producer Brandon suddenly turned to me and said "I think I'm going to grow a Charlie Chaplin moustache." I was shocked because not only was it completely off topic, but I also didn't know Brandon could even grow facial hair! His statement spawned a debate over which look would be the best for Producer Skinny Arms. The following chart will demonstrate the pros and cons of Brando's many moustache options:
The Handlebar
Pros: You can bust into a Snidely Whiplash accent at any time with reckless abandon. This style of moustache is long enough to wrap around your finger.
Cons: You will always look like you are up to something…especially planning a heist or gunfight.
The Fu Manchu
Pros: This look comes with a "Free Moustache Rides" t-shirt. Not a bad idea to grow one of these if you are planning on learning Kung fu.
Cons: Growing out this kind of moustache is difficult because you must be able to grow hair on the lower part of your face as well as under your nose.
The Little Richard
Pros: Unless you are trying to look like a dirtbag, there really aren't any advantages to this look.
Cons: Although you might be as sweet as Mother Theresa, you will always look like a child molester when sporting this moustache.
The Hitler
Pros: Shaving your friend's moustache into this style while they are passed out might just be the greatest prank of all time.
Cons: No matter what your intention is when wearing this moustache, you'll automatically look like an asshole. People may approach you on the street speaking in German. Chances of getting beat up by a politically correct hippie are raised by 75%. Chances of getting beat up by a Nazi once they realize you aren't really racist is raised by 75%.
The Charlie Chaplin
Pros: Rarely seen these days. You won't have to worry about this look being a new trend any time soon. Actually, I don't think anyone has rocked this look since Charlie Chaplin died.
Cons: Can easily be mistaken for The Hitler moustache.
The Yosemite Sam
Pros: It's a cartoon 'stache so the upkeep of this look would be minimal.
Cons: To really pull it off you would need to invest in a ten gallon hat.
The Burt Reynolds
Pros: LLBR (Ladies Love Burt Reynolds)
Cons: There is a lot of pressure that comes with this look. You have to be able to live up to the name.
August 20th, 2008
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LISTENER TOP 5 LIST REQUEST:
TOP 5 BEST THINGS ABOUT MY BREASTS
If you are familiar with our Listener Mail segment, you already know that Rob "crinkles, crankles and crumples" each and every email we receive. What Dawn fails to mention is after he reads the email, he Kobe Bryant's the email into the trash.
Wait…
No, not Kobe. It's more like Larry Bird on crack with a broken arm. Rob's a terrible shot. I should know. I clean up the studio when the show is over. But I digress…
We received a request during Listener Mail last week requesting a new Top 5 list:
The Top 5 Best Things About Producer Cristi's Breasts.
Rob, Arnie & Dawn Show listeners are always so classy.
Because the FCC would probably fine us for talking about something so tame, coupled with the fact that if Rob and Arnie did this Top 5 list, I could sue them for sexual harassment and own the show, it looks like I will be handling this Top 5 list on my own. But really, it makes sense to do it this way since nobody is more of an expert on my boobs than me.
Without further ado, here are the Top 5 Things About My Breasts:
Honorable Mention: My breasts don't have Cancer. Enough said.
5. I don't have Porn Star breasts. I know it sounds cliché to say my breasts are cool because they are "real" but it's true. I don't hate on girls who get boob jobs, but I personally believe that when it comes to breast size, it's all about proportion, proportion, proportion!
4. I'm too young to have stretch marks. It's like I have some sort of superpower that has given them the ability to not be affected by the Freshman 20 I gained in college (and subsequent pounds after college).
3. My breasts are buoyant. This is especially helpful because I like to drink and hang out by the river. Thanks to the twins, I can always assure I will end up chest-up if I pass out in the water.
2. They don't look like they belong in National Geographic.
1. My breasts are tattoo-free. Tattooed boobs are gross. Just ask Christina Ricci or anyone on meth.
xoxo,
Cristi
July 31st, 2008 --
We received the following email at rad@robarnieanddawn.com:
Dear Producer Cristi,
I hope you had a great vacation, Lumberjack, but I have a question. Who the hell vacations in the midwest? Chances are you'd have more fun staying at home.
Jack in Rancho Cordova
Well Jack, I know that coming from the glorious oasis that is Rancho Cordova you may be spoiled when it comes to beautiful landscapes, however I'm here to tell you that the midwest has a lot to offer the modern traveler. Take a look at my vacation photos and you will see why the midwest pulls at my heartstrings:
The Public Artwork:
The Magestic Wildlife:
 
The Beautiful Beaches on the Great Lakes:
 
The Good Looking Men:
The Local Pastimes:
But in all seriousness, there are only 3 reasons I went to the midwest for my vacation:
The Greatest Pizza and Beer in North America:
As well as 2 shots of Jameson for only $5:
I hope this answers your question Jack. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to my next vacation/break from answering calls and email from you idiot maggots.
xoxo, Cristi
PS- Rancho Cordova smells like cat piss.
June 19th, 2008 --
Worst Birthday Ever
In 1995 I got dumped on the day before my birthday. In 2006 I got fired on my birthday. And then there was this.
It wasn't a particular event that made my birthday awful this year. Overall, it was pretty average. I worked an 11 hour day, went home, tipped back a few with the old man, ate some soul food and went to bed. What was tragic, was the vast array of terrible presents I was given. When Dawn Rossi gets you the coolest gift of all the gifts you receive on your birthday, you know it's a crappy year to be alive.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who thinks they should be showered with gifts every year, and I'm not really a diva when it comes to my birthday. However, I feel if you are going to go to the trouble of buying me something, make sure it's not a piece of crap that I don't want. Case in point:
The birthday gift from the boyfriend:
What the hell is this?
 
I'll tell you what it is. It's a fire hazard, not a god damned birthday present. It's supposed to burn oil. Perhaps it was my boyfriend's subtle way of telling me that I've been wasting too much electricity. Or maybe he thinks it's 1802. Regardless, I was expecting a marriage proposal but I guess we're just going to have to live in sin for one more year. Nothing says I love you like handblown glass.
Unfortunately, the situation got worse.
When we returned from the bar I received a package sent to me by my Mother in Michigan. Her gifts were a true reflection of what she thinks Californians are: a bunch of fucking hippies.
This is so gross, I don't even know what to say about it. When I opened the package, I was completely speechless.
That was until I realized she got me not one, but two sweatshirts. Because we all know, you can never have enough SWEATSHIRTS when living in California. Oh yeah:
 
The real treat with the puke-yellow sweatshirt was in the details:
I think she was trying to remind me of my roots. Or that Detroit makes me want to puke. But that wasn't the kicker. This was the kicker:
She sent a matching sweatshirt for my boyfriend.
Although those gifts were terrible, nothing could match the gift God gave me at 3:00 AM the following day. The keys to my car, house and work were completely lost, and I had the pleasure of taking a cab to the radio station at 4:00 AM. $40 in cab fare later, we found my keys, in my boyfriend's boot:
 
I can't believe I didn't think to look there!
If this is what being 29 is like, I can't wait to hit my 30s.
-Cristi
May 29th, 2008 --
Punching is the Answer.
There are moments during the show where I get angry. My mood swings are usually an effect of idiot maggots calling the show, something terrible Dawn says or listening to Arnie rant about women in sports.
I have taken steps to relieve my anger in a positive way. However, the physical activity of running and playing roller derby have not subsided my desire to hit something. At least once every morning I have an overwhelming desire to punch my computer screen. Although I think about it multiple times a day, fortunately I have not given into that temptation.
I have contacted station management about being treated for anger management. The company provides an over-the-phone counseling session for distressed employees, but as you might imagine, I find it hard to believe that talking with someone over-the-phone about how difficult it is for me to deal with others over-the-phone would be helpful.
When insurance-sponsored tactics failed, I turned to the internet. After sorting through all of the websites dedicated to that horrible 2003 Jack Nicholson-Adam Sandler movie (which also pissed me off) I found a website which offered the following advice for people with anger issues:
1. Take a “time out”:
Really? Am I six years old? I’m sure Rob would appreciate it if (after taking a crappy call from a maggot) I just quit answering the phones, stand in the corner and take a “time out”. If this practice is acceptable in an adult workplace, then I want to know when the hell I get my naptime.
2. Deep breathing and relaxation exercises: This is probably the best suggestion I’ve found so far. However, if I were to practice deep breathing exercises while answering the phones, listeners would think they called a 900-number rather than The Rob, Arnie and Dawn Show.
3. Use “I” statements, as not to blame the other party for your anger. For instance, say "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework." To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.
How about this? “I’m upset that you decided to call the show today and waste my time by chewing me out for comments I didn’t make on the air, only to tell me that you don’t want to be connected to the show hosts. I’m upset that during the time I have spent on the phone with you, I missed 4-5 calls on the other phone lines I am responsible for answering. Furthermore, I am upset that you seem to enjoy sucking the life out of me.”
4. Use humor…not sarcasm though.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To grant the phone screener’s wishes by giving her an early death via pecking her eyes out. Wow, I should be on Last Comic Standing!
5. Keep an “Anger Log” to identify the kinds of situations that set you off and to monitor your reactions:
Fine. Here’s just a taste of what pissed me off this morning:
6:30-ish AM – Dawn gave her opinion of the new Indiana Jones movie. I stood up and yelled “You suck!” in my soundproof room.
7:02 AM – The crappy morning show down the hall drank all of our coffee, but didn’t make a new pot. I yelled “God damn it!” made a new pot of coffee, and wished death on them, but not in the ratings, because they are already getting killed there.
7:20 AM – It smells like someone had an abortion in the Women’s Restroom and I don’t think Dawn has been in there all morning. Thanks guys! I ran back to the Prod Studio.
7:43 AM – Dawn, again with the Indiana Jones comments. Lots of head shaking.
7:50 AM – Vader spoke. I threw my coffee cup. This happens a lot when Vader speaks. I later challenged Vader to a fistfight.
I don’t know how this list is supposed to help. Just looking at it makes me mad all over again. Because I trust self-diagnosis more than anything else, I know that reflecting on my anger isn’t going to be of much help. Instead, I would prefer to release some tension and then move on with the rest of my day. Punching is the answer! I know, it’s rare that anyone would think it’s a good idea to use violence to solve one’s problems but see if you can follow my logic here…
If we had a punching bag here in the Producer’s Studio, I could take a horrible phone call, turn around, punch the bag and then take the next call. Sadly though, we do not have enough room for a punching bag. Below I have inserted a picture of the phone screening area:
I need to find something I can place next to the computer screen to punch. From what I understand, Former Producer Nick used to just punch everything in sight, but quite frankly this studio doesn’t need any more broken equipment, so if you have any suggestions for objects (other than Brandon) I can keep in the studio to punch, I’m open to them.
-Cristi
May 2nd, 2008 --
How Running and Dawn Have Ruined My Life
Those of you who read Dawn’s blog already know she is training to run a half-marathon in October. What you might not know is that she has bamboozled me into running it with her. And now I hate her for it.
If you check out her Health and Wellness page, you can see the exact training schedule we are implementing. The first few weeks were relatively easy. I ran on a treadmill and easily knocked out the required 1-3 miles. That was until this week when instead of hitting the treadmill, I decided to take a run around the park near my house.
Something had changed. Instead of just being winded, I felt like there was a small child punching me in the heart. By the time I hit the first mile I was breathing like a fat girl waiting in line at Golden Corral after church on a Sunday. By the time I hit the second mile, and this is not an exaggeration: I seriously thought I was going to shit my pants. As my tortured body tried to carry itself home, my mind was in turmoil. I was certain that I would die before the age of 30 from my lungs and ass exploding simultaneously. Dawn has assured me that this sensation will go away, but my problems didn’t end there.
I started to feel another strange sensation thruought the day. My right nipple became increasingly itchy. Just the right one. After a few days of trying to discreetly scratch that itch while answering phone calls from you horrible maggots, I started to wonder why the reoccurring itch was happening in that same strange place. I did what any reasonable American would do and typed “itchy nipple” into the search engine on WebMD.com
The online diagnosis gave me three options: Breast Cancer, Scabies or Jogger’s Nipple. What the hell is Jogger’s Nipple? I'm glad you asked. It is a condition which occurs when tight, sweaty clothing causes chaffing. A great example of this would probably be my sports bra. However, I’m convinced it’s Breast Cancer. Thanks Dawn.
xoxo,
Cristi
April 23rd, 2008 --
My Cats Are Better Than Rob’s Cats
(Click Here to Read Pepe's Response to this Blog!)
ROB'S CATS
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MY CATS
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I’m sorry Pepe, but my cats have got both you, Parker and Cabernet beat hands down.
There are a handful of reasons, but here are the Top 5:
1. Their haircuts cost less than Rob’s cats. Last week Mr. Williams stated that he spends hundreds of dollars on grooming his cats. Since my large cat Iggy has long hair, I also give him hair cuts in the summer, but rather than spending hundreds of dollars at a groomer, I bought a $25 set of clippers and do it myself. And not to toot my own horn but “beep-beep” my kitty looks damn good:
2. They are cuter. Seriously… how could you possibly put this:
Up against this:
3. My cats love me. Look at the photo below. Clearly Cabernet is rolling her eyes at her owner, the silly haircut he gave her, and possibly how much money he spent on it.
And here’s a photo where Parker looks equally irritated:
4. My cats have better names. My cats names are Iggy (the orange one) and Little Rudie Huxtable (for obvious reasons). Rob’s cats are named Pepe, Parker and Cabernet. If our cats were children and we put them on a playground, who would you put your money on to win in a fight? Iggy or Pepe? Rudie or Cabernet? You know my cats would totally be carrying switchblades. Rob’s cats would probably have peanut allergies.
5. My cats aren’t dying. The little one (Rudie) is only about a year old, so I’m sure she’s got at least 6 or 7 more years left before her health takes a turn for the worse. Pepe has heart disease. It won’t be long before the kitty grim reaper taps on his shoulder. Oh well, at least he will be well groomed for heaven.
(Click Here to Read Pepe's Response to this Blog!)
April 16th, 2008 --
HOMELESS OR BLUETOOTH?
Homeless or Bluetooth is a game my boyfriend and I play when we walk around downtown.
People constantly talk to themselves out here. At first this led me to believe that everyone was crazy. However, I now realize many of them have a hands-free or Bluetooth piece in their ears. Living in Midtown, it really is a 50/50 split between the obnoxious business people and the obnoxious homeless people. Besides the obvious shelter issues, the only obvious difference between the two is the earpiece and a nice pair of shoes.
The whole Bluetooth phenomenon is still pretty bizarre to me. A few days ago, I pulled up to a stoplight and saw this girl BITCHING in my rearview mirror. I thought I must have cut her off, until we pulled up to the next stoplight and she was still bitching, but clearly not at me.
Everyone else is completely out of their minds.
Scotty and I saw a guy sitting on a bench with one bare foot (and both a sock and shoe on the other), trying to play guitar and listening to Dream Weaver on a little AM/FM radio. Note: he was not trying to play Dream Weaver on the guitar.
Other Homeless Man of the Year Candidates include the guy who was eating cigarette butts in the alley behind my house on the day we moved in, as well as the guy we ran into this weekend on 16th & E Street. Not only was he wearing an eye patch, but he also was singing “Dirty pussy is what I like!” over and over again. He was so jovial I couldn’t help but smile. It’s a ringtone waiting to happen.
We like to guess on a case by case basis whether someone is Homeless or Bluetooth. The guy with one shoe on: definitely not Bluetooth.
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April 2nd, 2008 -
MLB: Loyalty for Sale
You'd better believe I am excited about the baseball season getting started this week. Unfortunately for the last 28 years of my existence, I lived in the Midwest. I was raised on a healthy dose of Detroit Tigers, but as an adult (and because of an unnatural obsession
with CF Grady Sizemore) I became a Cleveland Indians fan.
That said, I am going to have to jump through hoops to catch Indians games when they aren't playing West Coast teams. And quite frankly, a limited amount of baseball in my life is just unacceptable. Therefore, I am currently looking for a team to follow this season. And where do
I start? There's so much to consider when choosing a new team. Of course the most important question one must ask themselves is: How many black guys are on the team?
Just kidding.
I'm clearly not a baseball purist, because although I realize that great pitching makes a great team, I fucking hate guys like Josh Beckett and god damned Dice-K. I will never be a baseball purist. You know why? Because I like everything that makes baseball fun (read: steroids). I love the big hits, I love guys who throw themselves against the wall for a great play, I love players who aren't too pretty to slide, and I wholeheartedly believe that the players who steal bases are the unsung heroes of the league. You can have your stupid stats and great pitching. It makes the game slow and sometimes, boring as hell. You have to remember though, I am coming from an
American League perspective. All of our best pitchers have guts that rival Arnie's.
So which teams do I have to choose from?
The A's are out. There's no way you'll convince this girl to hang out in Oakland for any reason. If you told me that Jesus Christ and Dio were giving away $100 bills and their magical powers at a BBQ in Oakland, I still probably wouldn't show up. I'd be like "Hey guys, you should really cross the Bay Bridge." Not to mention the A's compete in the American League against my beloved Indians. So let's narrow down the choices to strictly National League teams.
Moving across the bay… I've been told that you can be a Giants fan without being a Barry Bonds fan. Unlike other MLB teams who hold their record breakers on a pedestal, San Francisco has cast most affiliation with Bonds aside. I'm sorry, but that shit is funny. They had no problem cashing in on him last year, but now that he's a free agent, they act like he never existed. Becoming a Giants fan would be another great excuse to visit the Bay Area, but that stadium is windy as hell! And when did that kid from Little Miss Sunshine start pitching for them? Talk about being multi-talented. His parents must be proud:
 
What about LA? If I became a Dodgers fan, it would somehow feel dirty. I'd feel like I was jumping on the Joe Torre bandwagon. Then again, it was straight gangster when he told the Yankees to kiss his ass. Not to mention, they look like they are going to destroy most of the NL teams this season. Speaking of gangster, Blake Dewitt looks just like Producer Brandon. Except, I'm sure Dewitt slays a lot more ass.
 
So how about San Diego? What the hell is a Padre? Worst logo in the league. Plus, NOT ONE of their players is good looking. Tony Clark looks like somebody's Grandpa, and Enrique Gonzalez looks like he doesn't have any teeth. There are a lot of older dudes on this team, and all the young ones look like extras from 'Life Goes On'. Sidenote: I'd give my left arm to see a 'Life Goes On' Musical.
I guess that brings us to Arizona. No thanks. I have too much self respect to be a Diamondbacks fan. In fact, I have too much self respect to even get into why I don't like the Diamondbacks. Moving forward...
I'm sure I will naturally migrate toward a West Coast team sooner or later. Until then I'm just going to enjoy watching a lot of baseball so I can make an educated decision. I just want to find a team with some heart. Lord help me…
Cristi
March 25th, 2008 -
PAUL MCCARTNEY IS A LESBIAN
MAXIM MAGAZINE GARNERED A LOT OF NEGATIVE ATTENTION LAST MONTH WHEN THEY PRINTED A POOR REVIEW OF THE BLACK CROWES NEW ALBUM "WARPAINT" WITHOUT HEARING THE ALBUM IN ITS ENTIRETY. THIS OF COURSE, GAVE CHRIS ROBINSON THE CHANCE TO SPOUT OFF ABOUT THE INJUSTICES OF THE MEDIA, MEANWHILE FULLY EMBRACING THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPOTLIGHT HIS BAND AND THE RELEASE OF THE ALBUM, WHICH OTHERWISE, WOULD HAVE BEEN EASILY IGNORED. THIS PUT MAXIM'S CREDIBILITY UNDER THE GUN; AS IF THE MAG THAT FEATURES (ENTER RANDOM BITCH FROM "THE HILLS" NAME HERE) ON THE COVER, SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
ALTHOUGH I DOUBT THAT THE BLACK CROWES INCIDENT WILL DECREASE MAXIM'S READERSHIP (SEEING AS THOUGH MOST DUDES JUST BUY IT FOR THE JERK MATERIAL ANYWAY) I'M CONCERNED THAT THE INCIDENT DETRACTED FROM ONE OF THE FINEST PIECES OF LITERATURE I HAVE SEEN GRACE THE PAGES OF MAXIM. FOR THOSE OF YOU FOLLOWING ALONG AT HOME, IF YOU FLIP TO PAGE 28 OF
THE FEBRUARY ISSUE, YOU WILL SEE AN ARTICLE ENTITLED "MEN WHO LOOK LIKE OLD LESBIANS". GET READY TO WET YOUR PANTS, BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS AWESOME.
WHILE THE MAGAZINE POKES FUN AT SOME ODDLY FEMININE LOOKING MEN LIKE AL FRANKEN, BRUCE JENNER AND ROSIE O'DONNELL, IT STRUCK A NERVE WHEN I SAW ONE OF THE GREATEST SONGWRITERS OF ALL TIME ON THE SAME LIST. I WASN'T OFFENDED...I WAS JUST IN SHOCK. HOW WAS IT THAT I HAD NEVER MADE THIS OBSERVATION BEFORE? PAUL MCCARTNEY LOOKS JUST LIKE MELISSA ETHERIDGE. HELTER SKELTER! MAYBE I'M AMAZED. ALTHOUGH I LOVE THE BEATLES, I'D PUT MONEY DOWN ON THE FACT THAT ETHERIDGE IS BETTER AT ORAL PLEASURE THAN MCCARTNEY...EVEN WITHOUT THE 'LAND MINE VICTIM' ADVANTAGE.
ANYHOW- THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE HERE IS: DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. MAXIM SAID THAT THE NEW BLACK CROWES ALBUM SUCKED. YET THEY SOLD A FUCK-TON OF ALBUMS, AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE MAXIM SAID THE ALBUM SUCKED. I HAVE NOT READ ONE SINGLE REVIEW ELSEWHERE THAT HAS DISAGREED WITH MAXIM'S ORIGINAL REVIEW. THE BLACK CROWES SHOULD BE SUCKING
MAXIM'S BLACK, WHITE & READ ALL OVER'S PROVERBIAL DICK.
THOSE WHO ARE NOW WRITING OFF THE MAGAZINE BECAUSE OF THE BLACK CROWES INCIDENT ARE DOING THEMSELVES A SERIOUS INJUSTICE. IF I HAD JUST GIVEN UP ON MAXIM BECAUSE OF SOME SHITTY, INSIGNIFICANT BAND THAT HAS NO IMPACT ON MY LIFE AT ALL WHATSOEVER AND COMPLETELY LOST RELEVANCE AFTER 1998, THEN I WOULD HAVE NEVER COME TO THE STARK REALIZATION THAT
PAUL MCCARTNEY HAD MORPHED INTO A PRE-CANCER MELISSA ETHERIDGE. THIS MAGAZINE HAS MORE VALUE THAN THE REST OF THE MEDIA WOULD LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE.
THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT. THEY DID WASTE AN ENTIRE 8 PAGES ON A NASCAR SPREAD.
NEVERMIND. SAVE YOUR $4.50 AND GIVE IT TO CHRIS ROBINSON THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM PLAYING ON THE STREET.
XOXO,
CRISTI
March 13th, 2008 -
“NOT SINCE THE KARATE KID HAVE I BEEN SO INSPIRED.”
–ARNIE STATES 3/12/08
BEST QUOTE EVER. GRANTED, IT WAS ABOUT ARNIE’S TERRIBLE GOLF SCORE, BUT THE COMMENT RESURRECTED THE KARATE KID FROM THE ANNALS OF MY MIND. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO RALPH MACCHIO?
OH RALPH MACCHIO…THE GUY WHO INADVERTENTLY MADE THE “GOLDEN SHOWER” A COOL HALLOWEEN COSTUME. THE CRUSH OF EVERY GIRL BORN BETWEEN 1975 AND 1980. THE GUY WHO GAVE ME THE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION THAT I WOULD ONE DAY STAND ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, STARING LOVINGLY INTO A PAIR OF DOPEY BROWN EYES, LISTENING TO PETER CETARA.
I LOOKED UP MACCHIO ON IMDB (INSTEAD OF PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SHOW, OF COURSE) AND WAS SURPRISED TO FIND THAT RALPH IS CURRENTLY WORKING! THIS WAS ALMOST AS SURPRISING AS WHEN WE WERE TOLD THAT PATRICK SWAYZE’S CURRENT PROJECTS WOULDN’T BE HALTED BECAUSE HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER. IT’S NOT THAT WE WERE ALL THAT SURPRISED SWAYZE HAD CANCER (HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A BIT OF A CANCER) IT WAS JUST STARTLING THAT HE WAS STILL WORKING AT ALL…BUT NOW I’M GETTING OFF TOPIC.
MACCHIO’S NEW PROJECT IS CALLED “ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE UNDEAD” DIRECTED BY JORDAN GALLAND, WHO HAS ANOTHER, MUCH MORE INTERESTING SOUNDING MOVIE CURRENTLY IN PRODUCTION CALLED “COIN LOCKER BABIES”. SADLY(?) IT SEEMS MACCHIO WON’T HAVE A KEY ROLE IN THIS FILM, AS HE IS NOT IDENTIFIED BY A CHARACTER NAME, BUT INSTEAD LISTED UNDER THE HEADING OF “OTHER CAST”. POOR RALPH. THE LAST RELEVANT MOVIE HE DID WAS “MY COUSIN VINNY” IN 1992, UNLESS YOU COUNT BEER LEAGUE…WHICH NO ONE DOES.
XOXO, CRISTI
February 21st, 2008 -
7:15 AM
DAWN JUST CAME INTO THE PRODUCTION ROOM WITH ONE OF THE VIDEO CAMERAS, AND I DIED A LITTLE ON THE INSIDE. AFTER 27 HOURS OF SITTING IN THIS TINY STUDIO, A STUPID CAMERA IN MY FACE IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
ALTHOUGH I HAVE BEEN CRACKING JOKES OVER THE LAST 20+ HOURS, THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS 100% SERIOUS: I HAVE DONE A GREAT DEAL OF SELF REFLECTION DURING THIS 29 HOUR MARATHON, AND HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT MY VERY OWN PERSONAL VERSION OF HELL WOULD NOT BE FILLED WITH SOUNDS OF SCREAMING AND TORTURE, BUT INSTEAD MY WALLS OF HELL WOULD PAN BETWEEN THE SOUND OF THE STUDIO PHONE RINGING AND DAWN’S LAUGHTER.
SPEAKING OF HELL, I WOULD TOTALLY SELL MY SOUL TO CRAWL INTO BED RIGHT NOW.
-CRISTI
5:36 AM
WORD JUST CAME DOWN THIS HOUR THAT JENNIFER LOPEZ HAD HER BABIES. ONE BOY, ONE GIRL, ONE UGLY ASS HUSBAND. OH MY HOW LITTLE MISS FLY GIRL IS ALL GROWN UP.
BRANDON LOOKS PISSED. HE NEEDS A TRENCH COAT AND A MACHETE’ TO COMPLETE THE LOOK. IF I LOOK ANYTHING LIKE I FEEL RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD BE TOTING A CHAINSAW AND A HOCKEY MASK.
THAT’S RIGHT MOTHER F-ERS, WE’RE DOING IT FOR THE CHILDREN.
-CRISTI
4:10 AM
YOU KNOW WHAT’S GROSS? BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AND THEN DRINKING REDBULL.
I’M FAIRLY SURE I HAVE OVERDOSED ON NUTRASWEET, I’D GIVE MY LEFT ARM FOR A SHOWER, AND I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG ABOUT THE CALLS GETTING BETTER. BUT THERE IS STILL PLENTY OF TIME FOR THINGS TO IMPROVE…
-CRISTI
2:47AM
I HAVE THREE ALARMS THAT ARE SET TO WAKE ME UP EACH MORNING AT 2:45AM. I HAVE TWO OF THE THREE ALARMS WITH ME (MY PHONE AND MY WATCH) BOTH OF WHICH JUST WENT OFF A FEW MINUTES AGO, REMINDING ME OF WHAT AN ASS I AM FOR NOT GOING TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
-CRISTI
2:20 AM
THIS BREAK FROM THE PHONES HAS RESTORED MY FAITH IN HUMANITY. RIGHT NOW RUNNING ON A STEADY DIET OF BEEF JERKY, STARBURST AND RED BULL: THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.
LOOKING FORWARD TO A BETTER MORNING. SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT BY THE TIME WE ARE BACK ON IN RENO, MOST OF THE DRUNKS WILL PASS OUT AND STOP CALLING. HOPEFULLY WE WILL BE ABLE TO WRAP UP THE RAD-A-THON WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP AND/OR WANT TO MAKE DONATIONS TO THE UC DAVIS CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL. I’M NOT SURE WHERE THIS SUDDEN OPTIMISM CAME FROM, BUT I INTEND TO CONTINUE LYING TO MYSELF UNTIL THIS DAY IS OVER.
-CRISTI
1:45 AM
RIGHT NOW ROB, ARNIE AND DAWN ARE TALKING ABOUT THE MOST COMMON LIES PEOPLE TELL. THE FOLLOWING ARE THE MOST FAVORITE LIES I HAVE EVER TOLD SOMEONE:
1. NO DUDE, I’M TOTALLY READY FOR RAD-A-THON.
2. I DIDN’T HAVE AN ABORTION, I JUST LOST SOME WEIGHT.
3. I’M NOT DRUNK, I WAS JUST STARTLED BY THE AIRBAGS.
4. I’M SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.
5. I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS 16.
HONORABLE MENTION: I LOVE YOU.
-CRISTI
12:17AM
17 HOURS, 17 MINUTES DOWN.
I HAVE REFRAINED FROM KILLING THE CALLERS, BRANDON AND MYSELF.
IT HAS INSPIRED ME TO WRITE A HAIKU:
NO WINDOWS IN HERE
WE’D BETTER RAISE SOME MONEY
I’D QUIT BUT I’M BROKE
-CRISTI
11:36 PM
TO THOSE WHO ARE LISTENING, IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT DAWN HAS LOST A BIT OF HER COMPOSURE. THAT BECAME TRULY EVIDENT DURING THE LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK. SHE WAS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY WHEN KYRIE’ REFFERED TO DAWN’S HUSBAND AS "DUMB-DUMB", TO WHICH DAWN REPLIED “IT’S GARY YOU BITCH!!!!!” I WISH I HAD RECORDED IT. TRULY AN AWESOME MOMENT.
I ALSO JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE CAVALIERS PICKED UP BEN WALLACE. I COULDN’T BE MORE EXCITED. LEBRON FINALLY HAS SOMEONE TO BACK HIM UP WITH A STRONG DEFENSIVE GAME. THE KINGS, HOWEVER ARE STILL HOLDING ONTO RON ARTEST. SERIOUSLY, LET MY PEOPLE GO. DUDE DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE.
SPEAKING OF NOT WANTING TO BE HERE,
CRISTI
PS- YOUR CALLS SUCK RIGHT NOW. ALMOST AS MUCH AS THIS BLOG.
10:20 PM
I HAVE REACHED MY BREAKING POINT.
ROB, ARNIE AND DAWN HAVE STARTED TO GO THROUGH THE TOP 31 AIRPLANE! CLIPS BECAUSE SOME JERK TOLD ME HE WANTED TO MAKE A DONATION ON THE AIR, BUT INSTEAD, WHEN ROB PUT HIM ON THE AIR, THE JERK CALLED DAWN A VERY, VERY, VERY BAD WORD. THIS IS JUST THE CHERRY ON THE TOP OF THE SUNDAE WHICH HAS BEEN BUILT BY ALL OF THE PHONE CALLS I HAVE BEEN TAKING SINCE 3PM TODAY.
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE RANKING OF THE TOP 31 AIRPLANE! CLIPS, BUT I THINK I’M TOO PISSED OFF TO FULLY ENJOY THEM. HOPEFULLY BY THE 15TH TRACK I’LL CHEER UP.
I THINK I PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO STOP SNIFFING GLUE.
-CRISTI
8:50 PM
LISTENER DAWN. HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO BLOG ABOUT LISTENER DAWN? SHE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL. SHE HAS BEEN ON HOLD FOR OVER 3 HOURS NOW.
IN THIS MTV GENERATION CULTURE OF 10 SECOND ATTENTION SPANS, WHO HAS THE PATIENCE TO STAY ON HOLD FOR THREE HOURS? ONE WOMAN DOES. HER NAME? LISTENER DAWN.
SHE DEFIES LOGIC, SHE LAUGHS IN THE FACE OF TAKING CARE OF HER OWN RESPONSIBILITIES AND INSTEAD… STAYS ON HOLD.
THE BEST PART IS I SCREENED HER CALL. ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS SAY HELLO. ALL SHE WANTS TO DO… IS SAY HELLO.
ALSO SOMETHING TO NOTE: AFTER 7PM THE AUDIENCE SOUNDS DRAMATICALLY MORE STONED. I’LL CALL THIS THE “JOE MAUMEE EFFECT”.
-CRISTI
6:42 PM
SOME WEIRD LISTENERS NAMED NATE, GREG AND SOMETHING ELSE DROPPED BY AND REFUSED TO LEAVE UNTIL THEY MET A MEMBER OF THE SHOW. SINCE ROB, ARNIE AND DAWN WERE BUSY ON THE AIR I WENT OUT TO MEET THEM. ONE OF THE GUYS TOOK A PIC OF ME WITH HIS IPHONE AND THEY CALLED ME A CELEBRITY.
DUDE, I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD AN IPHONE. SO HOW THE HELL COULD I POSSIBLY BE A CELEBRITY?
-CRISTI
5:19 PM
I THINK I JUST CAUGHT MY 2ND WIND… OR PERHAPS IT’S JUST THE SUGAR RUSH FROM THE ICE CREAM THAT LISTENER CALEB DROPPED OFF. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS DROPPED OFF GOODIES FOR US TO EAT AND DRINK. WHICH MADE ME THINK…
AT SOME TIME DURING THIS 29 HOURS EACH ONE OF US IS GOING TO HAVE TO POOP.
EWW.
ALSO WHAT’S WEIRD IS THE LONGER THIS MARATHON GOES ON, THE LESS CRANKY I’M GETTING. IT’S LIKE THE CRAPPY LISTENERS HAVE BEATEN ME DOWN SO MUCH, THAT NOW I JUST EXPECT ALL OF THE CALLS TO SUCK, SO WHEN THEY DON’T, I GET SUPER HAPPY.
HORRAY! CRISTI
3:50 PM
ARNIE TOLD ME TO BLOG SOMETHING.
BLOG YOU ARNIE. BLOG YOUR LONGHORNS, BLOG YOUR MOM AND
GO BLOG YOURSELF.
-CRISTI
2:59 PM
RADIO IS SUCH A FUN INDUSTRY. HOWEVER, THERE ARE ALWAYS THOSE WHO TRY TO RUIN IT.
I THREW MY SKATES ON AND TOOK A SPIN AROUND THE OFFICE. OF COURSE I GOT ACCOSTED BY SOME JERKWAD IN THE BUSINESS OFFICE WHO SAID “WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?!” LIKE I'M A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT SKIPPING CLASS.
CLEARLY HE DOESN’T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO STAFF CHANGES.
I TOLD HIM I WAS WITH 98 ROCK AND HE TOLD ME “WE DON’T NEED YOU SKATING AROUND HERE.”
WELL I DON’T NEED HIM TO MAKE MY JOB UNFUN. WHAT A DICKBAG. I WONDER HOW MUCH MONEY HE’S RAISED FOR CHARITY TODAY.
2:00 PM
I’M NOT NEARLY AS TIRED AS I THOUGHT I WOULD BE 12 HOURS INTO THIS. IT HAS BEEN 12 HOURS, RIGHT? WHATEVER.
I BROUGHT MY ROLLERSKATES, SO I’M THINKING ABOUT DOING A FEW LAPS AROUND THE OFFICE DURING THE NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK TO CURE MY STIR CRAZINESS. I’M PRETTY SURE BRANDON IS GOING TO TAPE IT, SO IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE MEMBER’S SITE, YOU’LL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO SEE THE CRISTI CAM THERE. NOTE: THE OFFICE IS COVERED IN CARPET, SO CHANCES ARE I WILL FALL…A BUNCH.
-CRISTI
12:52PM
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WALK IN ON A CONVERSATION AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY OR STUPID BECAUSE IT’S TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT?
WELL ARNIE JUST WALKED INTO THE PRODUCER’S STUDIO AS I WAS SAYING “YOU’RE A FINE MOTHERF-ER WHEN YOU BACK THAT ASS UP.”
WE’RE GETTING A LITTLE SLAP HAPPY ROUND THESE PARTS.
KYRIE’ AND I HAVE STARTED A BELTCHING CONTEST, ALTHOUGH I THINK SHE HAS THE ADVANTAGE: ACID REFLUX. THAT’S LIKE HGH AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED.
-CRISTI
12:10PM
I’D LIKE TO SEND A SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE OVER-RATED, OVER-PAID SALES PEOPLE WHO GOT HERE AT 9AM AND TOOK IT UPON THEMSELVES TO EAT ALL OF THE FOOD THAT WAS BROUGHT IN FOR THE SHOW. BRANDON WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THOSE RIBS & CHICKEN WINGS. NORMALLY, WE WOULD BLAME ARNIE FOR EATING ALL THE FOOD, BUT YOU BLOOD SUCKING, TALENTLESS SALES PEOPLE ARE TO BLAME.
I HOPE YOU CRASH YOUR BMW’S ON YOUR WAY HOME AT 4:45PM, YA DICKS.
-CRISTI
11:11 AM
SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST WORTHLESS.
I JUST TOOK A CALL FROM A WOMAN THAT WENT LIKE THIS:
ME: ROB, ARNIE & DAWN SHOW…MAY I PLEASE HAVE YOUR FIRST NAME?
WHITE TRASH WHORE: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHY Y’ALL ARE STILL ON THE AIR. WHY AREN’T YOU PLAYING MUSIC?
ME: WELL MISS, WE ARE CURRENTLY RAISING MONEY FOR THE UC DAVIS CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL.
WHORE: HOW LONG ARE YA DOIN THIS FOR?
ME: WE WILL BE ON THE AIR UNTIL 10AM TOMORROW MORNING.
WHORE: OK, WELL I’LL JUST LISTEN TO CDS UNTIL THEN.
AND THEN THE BITCH HUNG UP ON ME.
AND THEN I CALLED HER THE C-WORD.
I JUST WISH SHE WAS STILL ON THE PHONE TO HEAR IT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE CAN’T AFFORD TO MAKE A DONATION, BUT DON’T BEGRUDGE US BECAUSE WE ARE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR THE COMMUNITY. THE SAME GOES FOR THE D-BAGS WHO WERE PRANK CALLING ME IN THE 9 O’CLOCK HOUR.
SERIOUSLY, WHO PRANK CALLS A DONATION DRIVE? I’M SURE THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR THESE KINDS OF ASSMONKEYS.
-CRISTI
10:25 AM
MY ADRENALINE IS RUNNING PRETTY HIGH RIGHT NOW, ALTHOUGH I HAVE A FEELING THAT BRANDON IS CRASHING. MOSTLY BECAUSE HE TOLD ME THAT HE IS CRASHING.
THE GUEST WE HAVE IN THE STUDIO RIGHT NOW LOOKS LIKE CHRIS DAUGHTRY. THERE ARE ALSO TWO WOMEN FROM THE RADIO STATION SALES OFFICE STANDING IN THE PROD ROOM BECAUSE THEY WANT TO MONITOR THE INTERVIEW. I GUESS OUR SALES STAFF DOESN’T PAY THESE WOMEN ENOUGH TO BUY A GOD DAMNED RADIO FOR THEIR DESK. PERHAPS THEY COULD HAVE SAVED SOME MONEY ON THE “EAU DE DEAD HOOKER” PERFUME THEY SEEM TO BE DOUSED WITH AND BUY ONE FOR THEMSELVES. NEXT TIME I DON’T FEEL LIKE USING MY CELL PHONE, I’LL BE SURE TO MAKE CALLS FROM THEIR DESK WHILE THEY ARE WORKING.
-CRISTI
9:49 AM
BRANDON JUST SHOWED ME A PICTURE DAWN TOOK OF US AT 5AM THIS MORNING. KYRIE’ & I THOUGHT WE LOOKED FAT FOR A MOMENT, UNTIL WE REALIZED THAT WE WERE STANDING NEXT TO BRANDON, WHO IS WHAT WE USED TO CALL “CRACK SKINNY”. FROM NOW ON I’M ONLY TAKING PICTURES WHILE STANDING NEXT TO ARNIE.
-CRISTI
PS- THE CALLER ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW IS MAKING DAWN CRY. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
8:31 AM
VADER JUST CALLED DAWN AN “IDIOT” FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE MARATHON.
I JUST CALLED VADER AN A-HOLE FOR THE 2ND TIME IN MY HEAD.
-CRISTI
8:09 AM
I WANT TO NOMINATE “ELBOW NOSE” AS ONE OF THE WORST PUT-DOWNS I’VE HEARD ON THE SHOW SO FAR THIS MORNING. - CRISTI
7:30 AM
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I WAS DREADING TAKING CALLS TODAY, HOWEVER EVERYONE CALLING INTO THE SHOW HAS BEEN SUPER COOL AND COOPERATIVE. I HOPE IT STAYS THIS WAY.
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS CALLED IN TO MAKE A DONATION THIS MORNING. YOU HAVE BEEN 100% AWESOME. I WISH OUR REGULAR CALLERS WERE AS COMPETANT AS YOU.
IN OTHER NEWS, ARNIE HAS MOVED ON FROM DONUTS TO THE FREE IHOP THEY ARE SERVING IN THE KITCHEN.
6:55 AM
I JUST ATE A DONUT. I THINK ARNIE’S ALREADY HAD A HALF A DOZEN.
-CRISTI
5:11 AM – AS SOON AS KYRIE’ (the girl who comes in a couple times a week) WALKED IN THIS MORNING SHE ASKED “ARE YOU EXCITED?”
NO. I AM NOT EXCITED. I AM TERRIFIED. WE ARE ONLY ELEVEN MINUTES INTO THE ROB, ARNIE AND DAWN-A-THON AND THE CREW ALREADY SEEMS TO BE JUST SHORT OF BITCHY.
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS: NOT RAISING ENOUGH MONEY FOR THE HOSPITAL, FALLING ASLEEP MID-MARATHON, BECOMING SO SLAP HAPPY THAT WE DROP AN F-BOMB, FIST-FIGHTING ONE ANOTHER, STUDIO FIRE, AND OF COURSE- DEATH BY VADER.
I GOT A WHOPPING TOTAL OF 4 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT DUE TO PREPARATION FOR THE SHOW TODAY, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS BAD… UNTIL BRANDON PICKED ME UP FOR WORK THIS MORNING. PRODUCER SKINNY-ARMS DIDN’T GO TO SLEEP UNTIL 11:30PM AND PICKED ME UP AT 3AM. WHAT A DUMMY.
TO THE MEMBERS ONLY MEMBERS: YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THE BEHIND THE SCENES VIDEOS WE’RE PUTTING UP THROUGHOUT THE 29 HOUR MARATHON. LET’S JUST SAY, IT’S GOING TO BE PRANK-TASTIC.
XOXO, CRISTI
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