July 28th, 2010

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND

Dearest Facebook Enthusiast,

You’re probably wondering why I denied your friend request on my personal Facebook page. Please allow me to reach deep into my vault of clichés to help you understand why: It’s not you…it’s me.

Let’s be real here. You don’t want to be my friend. You want to be friends with Rob and Arnie (and strangely- even some of you want to be friends with Dawn, which I still don’t understand). Some people look at becoming online friends with the Producers as a fast track to having cocktails on the beach with their favorite radio hosts. Nothing could be further from reality.

This is the same reason why I won’t go out with anyone who writes in to the show to ask me out on a date. Those people aren’t really interested in me. How could they be? They don’t know me. At all. Whatsoever. The only time they could possibly get a sense of what I am like is either by hearing me on the air when Rob is yelling at me (because we’ve run out of scotch tape), if I’m yelling at Dawn (for using the scotch tape to wax her boob hair) or if they are in the Sacramento area and they hear my stumble-and-bumble traffic reports. Truth be told, what these people are really looking for is someone to fill them in on the day to day intricacies of The Rob, Arnie & Dawn Show. The last thing I want to do over dinner and a shitty movie is talk about whether or not Arnie “is as funny in person as he is on the radio” and for the record, he is but he just swears more. These people need to save the money they would have spent on my gigantic bar tab and apply it toward a Membership to our Members Only website at members.robarnieanddawn.com.

But like I said, this is about me. At least for now. Since we’ve already established that you don’t want to be my friend, let’s talk about why. You don’t want to be my friend because I am boring and my daily updates are garbage. Here are a few examples of my past “wall posts”:

“I'm pretty sure this has been the most fun summer I've ever had. The closest contender being the summer of 1984 when the Detroit Tigers won the World Series.”

“…will be in Humboldt this weekend for a derby double header. Forecast: Sore legs on Monday.”

“On the air today from 3-6, whilst recovering from last night's derby game. That is, if I make it to the station....”

“Which will come first...vacation or stabbing myself in the temple with a pair of scissors? Tune in to find out.”

“…wishes she had someone to sucker into buying her breakfast.”

As you can see- my posts range from shameless self promotion of radio and roller derby to suicidal thoughts about scissors and crying about being broke. Not fun! I’d say I was less fun than Dawn, but we all know that isn’t true, not to mention they didn’t have Facebook when she was growing up. Back then they had smoke signals.

If I may get back on target…there are also quite a two main reasons why I don’t want RAD listeners as my personal Facebook friends. Let’s break those down:

1. I maintain the Rob, Arnie and Dawn Show Facebook friend & fan page. This gives me the opportunity to read about just how uninteresting you are. For instance- the following are just a few examples of posts our “friends” have posted this morning:

Boooo! If I added those folks as friends, not only would I be subjecting myself to those terrible posts, but also all of their stupid Farmville requests, pictures of their ugly kids & about 500 local band event invites per minute. NO THANK YOU!

2. Recently a certain unnamed radio company brought in a consultant to tell their staff how important it was for “radio personalities” to reach out to their listeners. You read that correctly, half way through 2010 they paid someone wearing a leather bracelet with spikes on it to come in and talk about how important the internet is. This is why people like Rob, Arnie & Dawn hate other radio people… 90% of them are idiots. During this meeting the employees were told that one of the reasons they should want to “connect” with their listeners in this medium is so they can get feedback on what their listeners think about them and their shows. As if your calls and email weren’t terrible enough, we put together a Facebook fan page (a long time ago) but if you’re not a fan yet, you can by clicking here.

Let’s take a look at some of that “Great Listener Feedback” shall we?

It ranges from stupid to silly and back to stupid again. I rifle through hundreds of friend requests daily (which are all ignored, since we’ve hit our limit of 5,000 and can only accept fans NOT friends, dummy) and reading through the comments you leave the show is really mind numbing. I refuse to subject my real family and friends to that kind of nonsense being posted on my own personal page. For those of you wondering why I leave the really mean/untrue/particularly cunty comments you post up on the RAD fan page, it’s simple…none of us, and by that I mean NOBODY, really gives a shit what you have to say, unless it’s funny- which it usually isn’t.

So there’s the long and short of it. Here are your key points to remember:

-My Facebook page is terrible, and your curiosity is killing me.
- I don’t want to see your stupid updates, which are sadly, worse than mine.
-Stop friend requesting me, because it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s because I hate everyone equally.
And most importantly…
-FEEL FREE TO FRIEND REQUEST PRODUCER BRANDON IF YOU HAVE BIG TITS AND A VAGINA. HE LIKES THOSE. You can find his profile here.          

   
Xoxo,
Cristi

June 11th, 2010

THE NOT-SO-GREAT DATE     

As I’ve become newly single I find myself becoming more and more like a real life (but less successful) version of Tina Fey’s 30 Rock character Liz Lemon:

In the last season of 30 Rock Liz dated a midget, a coworker and a man with hooks for hands. Her best date was with a guy doped up on anesthesia. Lately, I don’t feel far off.

Just when I thought that it couldn’t get much worse than Dawn & Dumb Dumb setting me up with a guy who only dates blondes, I trumped them.  I went on a date that was so bad, I literally stood in the bathroom and laughed for two straight minutes about what a disaster it was. Every time I would place my hand on the door handle, I would bust into another fit of laughter and have to calm myself down all over again before returning to the Hurricane Katrina of first dates.

I don’t want to get too specific so this guy can save some face, however as a public service, I will provide a list of Dos & Don’ts  on how to avoid having your first date turn into something you’ll have to tell your therapist about later. And before you ask, No Arnie, I didn’t sleep with him… I may be a dirtbag, but I’m not Dawn.

FOR THOSE BEING ASKED OUT:

• It’s ok to buy someone who is celebrating their birthday a drink, but you don’t have to give them your phone number.
• If you must give your phone number to someone while you are drunk, consult a friend first. You might be too drunk to make a good judgment call.
• If your friends are running interference (aka cockblocking) before you give out your phone number, chances are they think it’s a bad idea. Follow their lead.
• Don’t agree to go on a date with someone you have only conversed with via text.
• Never agree to a first date at someone’s house/apartment/trailer park unless they are throwing a party. And be specific! If someone says they “will be barbequing later”, that doesn’t necessarily mean there will be other people involved.
• Listen to your gut. If you get a song with the lyrics “It doesn’t feel right” stuck in your head, your body is trying to tell you something.

FOR THOSE HOSTING THE DATE:

• Don’t wear basketball shorts or flip flops on your date unless you will be playing basketball or going to the beach or a pool. Casual is good, but there is no need to dress like a slob.
• If you are over the age of 30 it is completely unacceptable to have blacklight posters hanging up in your living room. This is not art. Bare walls would be preferable.
• If you invite someone to your home for dinner, make sure there is a table where the two of you can sit down to eat. Standing at the counter where you prepared the food is not only uncomfortable but also a deal breaker.
• Be conscientious of your date’s schedule. If they indicate that they start work at 4 in the morning the next day, you might want to serve dinner earlier than 10pm. Timing is everything, and chances are their sleep is better than your cooking.
• Do not serve Pinot Noir, but if you must, for the love of God don’t keep it in the fridge.
• As we all know, communication is key in a relationship so DON’T MUMBLE! If every third sentence out of your date’s mouth is “What?”, “What was that?” “I’m sorry I didn’t catch that” or “What did you say?” then adjust your volume level and enunciation. If you are too nervous to speak up, practice with a friend before you embarrass yourself by asking someone out.
• Speaking of communication, it is always good to ask your date questions about themselves so the two of you can get to know each other better, however, it is inappropriate to respond with “Yeah, that’s good” every time they give you a favorable response. It will appear to your date that you are keeping score on a mental checklist. Although we all size up our dates, it is not flattering to make it so obvious. Especially when your scorecard is below average.
• And finally, if you decide to ask your date if they are “ok” with you smoking weed during the date and she agrees, don’t pull out a bong the size of her torso. If she’s not a pot smoker, she’ll most likely be intimidated. And even if she is, it’s like the equivalent of asking her if she’d like a drink, then leading her to the keg in your bathtub and asking her if she wants do a keg stand.

Regardless of the many flaws made on behalf of my date, I was not without sin. In a very Liz Lemon move, when it was time to leave I grabbed my purse and ran out of there as if I were being chased by Godzilla to avoid any awkward “first kiss” expectations. This of course, just made things more awkward when I received the following text message from my date:

God damn it. I love cheesecake.

Xoxo,
Producer Cristi

May 14th, 2010

ABSURD ANSWERS TO THE WORST QUESTIONS ABOUT MY BREAKUP

Despite my best efforts to handle the end of my relationship with class and dignity, in recent weeks I have been victim to some of the most uncomfortable (and unfortunately common) conversations that are inflicted upon people in a scenario like mine. In short, my ex-boyfriend hated the city of Sacramento SO much, he decided to leave and move back to the city of Cleveland. Apparently this has left some lingering questions in the minds of every rude person I have ever met. The questions and comments “friends” and acquaintances have made about the break up have been so awkward and jaw dropping, I have ceased to bite my tongue any longer. There is no reason I should have to spend an evening out with a lump in my throat because some jerk couldn’t help but give me the third degree about something that is quite frankly, none of their business. It took me a while to realize that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything that has to do with my personal life. Therefore, I have found a way to combat these awful questions: by answering them tit for tat.
What’s that? You think I’m exaggerating? Here are a few examples of honest to God questions I have actually been asked by people I know. For your entertainment, I have also included my responses.

Is it weird for me to ask what happened?

No, actually it’s quite an empathetic and comforting thing for you to do. In fact, you remind me of the reporter who asked Tina Fey about how she got her facial scar as a child.

How long are you going to wait before you take his photos off of your facebook/myspace/various other social networking sites/robarnieanddawn.com? (One woman was brazen enough to suggest I follow a “two week rule”).
I have no plans to remove his photos at all. Actually, I plan to enhance all of my photos of him by replacing his head with the head of a kitten.

Have you started dating yet?
Have you started brushing your teeth yet?

What kind of guy/girl are you looking for?
A breakdancing midget with tourettes and anger issues.

So who got the dog?
Your Mom did. Last night. In the butt.

I heard he left you for Cleveland. What’s in Cleveland?  
Lebron James & not much else. Just kidding, King James won’t be there much longer. Guess that speaks volumes for my worth in your world, huh?

AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL THE QUESTIONS:

Ok, so he hates Sacramento but doesn’t he love you?
Kill yourself. Seriously. And if you need help, please, don’t hesitate to ask.


xoxo,
Producer Cristi

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May 7th, 2010

PRODUCTION TEAM CONAN

Fuck Jay Leno. The moment the news came down that the tickets were on sale for Conan O’Brien Live, Producer Brandon and I immediately quit what we were doing (answering phones and updating robarnieanddawn.com) and got to business finding available tickets for the tour. I checked San Francisco first; SOLD OUT. I looked for the other dates and clicked on Reno, telling Brando to look for Sacramento. Sacramento had nothing available. We booked four tickets to Reno on my almost maxed out credit card, and I participated in the kind of financial delinquency that would make Rob’s head explode.
When the day finally came for the show we decided to leave for Reno at 2pm for three reasons:

1. We are divas and we avoid rush hour traffic.
2. We wanted to watch the Sharks-Red Wings Game 3
3. We wanted to hit the roulette tables before the show.

We managed to accomplish all three tasks. In tow with Brando and I were our friends Nick and Amanda. There was a short period of time before I was hired when Nick used to answer the phones for Rob, Arnie and Dawn; he understood how early Brando and I would have to work the next day, so he offered to drive and let us sleep on the way home. He was pulled over on our way back to Sacramento that night and given a ticket for going 80 in a 65. You see kids, no good deed goes unpunished.

We loaded up on snacks and hit the road. Nick and Brando hung the Sharks sign up on the dashboard because they are assholes and I am a Red Wings fan.  Along the way Brando played with his balls and I took pictures of snow because I thought it was funny. Now in retrospect, it wasn’t funny at all.

Once we got to Reno we wasted no time saddling up to a sports book bar with $1.50 draft specials and took in the game. The Sharks won in overtime with a goal by Patrick Marleau, the best looking guy on the team. If I didn’t totally want to bang Marleau, I probably would have been more upset about the loss.

Brando, the only one of us the bartender gave an actual GLASS to drink our beer out of, managed to smash it on the ground with his baby arms.

I think a resounding shriek of “Holy shit!” went around the room when this guy walked in. No dummies, he’s nobody famous, but if you look closely you’ll notice he’s a Fat Rob Williams.

Amanda bought a $45 Team Coco shirt. The rest of us didn’t buy anything except drinks. When Amanda decided she didn’t want to carry around her shirt, she somehow talked Brando into trading shirts with her…in the middle of the casino.

Not to say they were the only ones acting like idiots. When I saw the “no cameras” sign I shoved my camera down my pants RIGHT IN FRONT OF a security guard who was looking right at me. She let me  walk on by like we hadn’t shared that awkward moment, and for that I was thankful. This is the little I captured:

This is the gag where they brought out The Masturbating Bear…of course. Except, as Conan explained, even The Masturbating Bear may still be the intellectual property of NBC, so they put a mask on him and now they refer to him as “The Self Pleasuring Panda”.

During this bit Conan came out on stage wearing the legendary purple leather suit Eddie Murphy wore when he filmed “Raw”. I used to watch “Raw” on VHS at least once a week from 8th-10th grade, and I directly relate it to the amount of profanity I use on a daily basis. So have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Of course they gave Andy Richter his own segment, which I don’t remember being particularly funny. I think the visual gag of him on the horse was the best part about it, so here you go. I saved you a trip to Reno.

Here they brought back the “Walker Texas Ranger lever” which I think they renamed “The Chuck Norris Lever” or something. Probably something funnier.  I don’t remember. I was drunk.

Labamba!

Conan once revealed on “Inside the Actor’s Studio” that if he wasn’t a talk show host, he would like to tour the US in a rockabilly band. Well, I guess this situation with NBC gave him that opportunity. It was a really fun, high energy show. The girls who sat at the table with us hated us because we were screaming and singing and dancing the whole time. I didn’t take photos of them because they were ugly.

None of the photos on my camera from after the show make sense, so feel free to fill in the captions for yourself. All I know is it looked like we had fun….

…that is, until the next day. Here is Brandon the morning after…with his “game face” on.

Xoxo,

Producer Cristi 

GO Wings!!!!

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April 5th, 2010

HIS MOM SENT ME A BREAK UP LETTER

Before Rob, Arnie and Dawn left for Spring Break, they revealed on the air that I have become newly single (aka GOT DUMPED). I braced myself for the Listener Mail that would follow, but I never expected to get an email from my ex-boyfriend’s Mom.

Before I “Mystery Science Theater” her letter, allow me to explain my relationship with my ex’s Mom. She’s the closest thing I will ever have to a Mother- In-Law as evidenced by her ability to constantly question how our household was run, and give examples of how we could do things “better” under the guise of being helpful. The letter she sent is a glaring example of this.

Overall, she and I got along OK but we weren’t best friends (which makes the letter she sent even more awkward). In short, the letter was an unnecessary gesture and the fact that everything she wrote was super nice makes it even more infuriating to me. Here’s what she had to say:

Cristi, (Starting off cold. No greeting, No “Dear Cristi”, No “Hello”.)

Wanted to let you know that I think it is unfortunate that things turned out the way they did for you and my son. (LIE) However, I also know from very painful personal experience that one person can't make a relationship work (Exactly which one of us are you referring to?); it takes both people being completely committed and wanting to be in that place. (aka, Sacramento sucks and I’m glad I’ll never have to visit there again because my son is so brilliant for leaving)  While I know how painful this must be for you (No you don’t) because I know how painful it is for him (No you don’t), I also know that this change represents a new chapter in both of your lives (cliché alert!) and that there are good things ahead for both of you. (Like growing old alone & your inevitable death)  That knowledge comes with advanced age—LOL. (That’s right, my heartache & misery is hysterical)

I have always liked you and enjoyed being around you. (More lies)  I wish you the very best (with the exception of my son, who is flawless), a glass that is half full (two clichés, one email) and much happiness as you start on this next chapter.

Love, Mary

The problem is there are few ways I could come out of this not looking like an asshole. If I don’t respond, I’m the asshole. If I respond and say anything even slightly biting, I’m the asshole. So I did my best to navigate this horribly awkward situation she has created for me by keeping it short & sweet. The following is the actual response I sent:

Hi Mary,

Thank you for the kind words.

I'm glad that both your son and I respect and care for each other enough to treat this situation fairly and in a non-dramatic matter. That in and of itself is a blessing. I'm also proud that your son has found the courage to choose a path that will make him happy.

Take care & Happy Easter!

Love,

Cristi

But this was what I really wanted to say:

Dear Mary,

Thanks for the letter. Actually, there are a few things I want to thank you for:

First & foremost, thank you for letting me pay for dinner the night your son told you he was planning on splitting up with me. That was classy. Fortunately, that was the last bill I will be footing for your only child. He’s your problem now.

I also want to thank you for raising your son with enough sense and decency to abandon me with the duties of raising a dog by myself, just one month after we adopted her…because really, it could have been worse. It could have been a kid.

And finally, thank you for insisting that you have the greatest chili recipe of all time. It’s not the best. In fact, it’s not even close. You ma’am, are no Carol Shelby. My boss Rob has a far better chili recipe, which I will be gladly using from this day forward. I hope I’m not being too forward, but you might want to invest in a copy of The Rob, Arnie and Dawn Cookbook we will be releasing later this year.

Oh, and by the way, I haven’t been able to stop crying since you bought your son’s plane ticket home. Have fun visiting him in Ohio. 

Don’t worry about me. The world is my oyster, and oysters taste great with beer. And beer just happens to be what my glass is half full of.

You Suck,

Cristi

This website is clearly my therapy. Thanks for letting me vent.

Xoxo,

Producer Cristi

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March 5th, 2010

Breaking Brando: Hulk Hogan’s Rock n’ Wrestling Update

February 26th, 1010

Breaking Brando: Plastic Balloon Update and Hulk Hogan’s Rock n’ Wrestling

In an attempt to introduce Producer Brandon to awesome things invented before 1986 (the year he was born) every week we will present something undiscovered by Brandon. These items are handpicked by me, but feel free to send your suggestions to  rad@robarnieanddawn.com. Last week, Brando was introduced to the "Plastic Balloon" for the first time. Here's his review:

This week we introduce Brando to a Saturday morning cartoon favorite of mine Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling. I was tipped off to the fact that Brando was unaware of the cartoon when I started quizzing him on (in my opinion) the coolest wrestlers from the 80’s: Andre’ the Giant, George the Animal Steele, Capitan Lou Albano and my favorite The Ultimate Warrior. The only one he knew was Andre the Giant, which I suspect is because of The Princess Bride. “Anybody want a peanut?”

For those of you youngsters who bypassed our 18 and older screen, the WWE used to be WWF but they had to change their name because of environmental activists…who ruin everything.

In the middle of the World Wrestling Federation’s heyday, they actually had enough interest to put out a cartoon featuring their own wrestlers, or what I would refer to these days as brand marketing to children via a twenty two minute long commercial and passing it off as entertainment.

However, when the show ran from 1985 to 1986, I was far less cynical than I am these days. This was probably due to the fact that I was only six years old at the time and the Detroit Tigers had just won the ’84 World Series. It was the only time in my life that I had everything going for me; my outlook was sunnier and thus it was much easier to enjoy an artsy project like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling.

The show featured the likenesses of the wrestlers but voice actors played the cartoon characters. Hulk Hogan for instance, was voiced by Brad Garrett of Everybody Loves Raymond. Hulk Hogan was the leader of the  good guys: Junkyard Dog, Captain Lou Albano, Andre’ the Giant, Wendi Richter, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Hillbilly Jim and Tito Santana. Rowdy Roddy Piper was the head of the bad guys: The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, The Fabulous Moolah, Big John Studd and Mr. Fuji. There were also often appearances by Mean Gene Okerlund, who would randomly pop into a scene with a microphone. Pimp.

In case you’ve never had the opportunity to enjoy Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling here is an oldie but a goodie: The Battle of the Bands episode:

Check back next week to see what Brando had to say about Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling. And remember, it could have been worse:

February 19th, 2010

In an attempt to introduce Producer Brandon to awesome things invented before 1986 (the year he was born) every week we will present something undiscovered by Brandon. These items are hand picked by me, but feel free to send your suggestions to rad@robarnieanddawn.com. Last week, Brando was challenged to watch the tv show "Perfect Strangers" for the first time. Here's what he had to say:

This week we will introduce Brandon to a childhood toy familiar to any kid born before 1980 who had parents that were not concerned with “toxins”. Before people were scared of buying toys from China, before lead poisoning existed, there were Plastic Bubbles:

Granted, there were plenty of toy companies who produced the Plastic Bubble and they went by many different names, but the same idea applied, a tube and a tiny straw:

1. Open the tube
2. Squeeze the Magic Goo out of the tube
3. Roll it into a ball
4. Place the ball of goo onto the end of the tiny straw
5. Blow into the other end of the tube
6. A bubble will form, Pull it off the tube and close the hole in the bubble (which will pretty much happen naturally because the consistency of the goo is so tacky)
7. Now you have a bubble you can play with that will last way longer than a normal bubble

I still laugh when I think about how Plastic Bubbles were given to us by parents as party favors for a child’s birthday, rather than viewed as toys that emit fumes and might lead us to huffing in our teen years. Not to mention the cocaine straw that looks like it belonged in a bathroom somewhere in 1982.
I also laugh when I think about how you would get instant confirmation that a kid was retarded if he tried to suck in the goo through the tube instead of blowing a bubble.
For more information on the plastic bubble click here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Elastic_Bubble_Plastic

Check back next week to see what Producer Brandon has to say about The Plastic Bubble.

xoxo,
Producer Cristi

February 18th, 2010

The Cost of a Canine Companion

I’m holding a leash in my hand. I look down. She looks up at me. There is no way I’m leaving without this dog.

Although I always said that I didn’t care what kind of dog I got “as long as it was cool”, I still did my research and in the back of my mind I had narrowed down the age, breed and gender of the dog I wanted to add to our family. She met all of the criteria and had the personality to match. She wasn’t scared of, or challenging to people or the other dogs at the rescue, and she played like a champ.

$150 later, I realized that I had just made at least a 10 year commitment to someone other than Rob, Arnie and Dawn. I had scoured the local shelters and PetFinder for two years before I settled on her, but when it happened, it all felt so sudden. When she jumped in the car, it hit me….we were completely unprepared to bring her home.

When I left to meet her that day I didn’t expect to find the companion I had in mind. My boyfriend and I were discouraged because we had met so many dogs in the last few weeks, but none that seemed to click with us. Instead of being excited about finding a new pet, we really had our guard up, looking for that perfect match. Because of this, I had never bothered to pick up any of the supplies to prepare our home for her new presence. Huge mistake! So I have made a short list of supplies you will want to get before introducing a new puppy into your home, so you can avoid being blindsided by the cost of a new pet. Do as I say, not as I do.

$295 later (yes, I spent almost double the amount of money in supplies than I did for the actual dog) I felt better about our set up for the little one, but the sucker punch to the wallet was uncomfortable at best. And mind you, this list does not even include vet bills!  Here are the essentials I picked up:

We have decided to crate train the puppy at night and while we are out of the home. Since there is only a four hour period of time each day where the boyfriend and I are both gone, we were comfortable with this decision. Crate: $55.99, Pillow/Bed: $9.99. Considering the cost of replacing what might become a chew toy for our new dog while we are out of the home, it will earn its worth in the first day.

I know this looks like a butt plug, but it’s not. For those of you looked at that photo and said to yourself “well yeah, a butt plug is an essential for a dog”…you really shouldn’t own one. This is a “Kong”. It’s a great chew toy for dogs of any age. The different colors signify the toughness of the rubber. The lighter the color, the bigger pussy the dog is. They are hollow in the middle, so you can put peanut butter, small milkbones or other treats in there, which act not only as a great treat for the dog, but also a puzzle for them to solve. Great mental challenge for dogs, who tell me they prefer them over crossword puzzles. $9.99

Speaking of treats, here is where we keep the treats for the new puppy. Right where we keep the treats for Mommy. Big bag ($4.99), Seagram’s 7 ($16.98), Club Soda ($1.49/6pk)

Outside of the cost of supplies, I was also surprised by the obstacle I would have to create to keep the new dog from the food, water and litter for the cats. Until I can muster up the courage to go to a store and pick up a baby gate (uggh…just typing the word “baby” made my stomach turn) I’m using barstools and a piece of wood. So far so good. However, I should mention that those fucking bowls for the dog cost $24.99.
(7672, 7673)

I also bought flea collars for the dog and cats ($22.98), Puppy shampoo, ear wipes, a pooper scooper ($17.24) and pee training pads I will have to return because my perfect girl doesn’t get down with peeing in the house…yet (-$2.99). I also got some dog treats recommended by the Dog Whisperer…because that dude is rad and my dog is spoiled.  (3 pieces for $11.99).

Ok, although outrageously informational, I just realized how boring this blog is. Even though it’s still better than any of Dawn’s “columns”, I want to finish strong, so I’ll leave you with lots of pictures of my new girl, Miss Peanut:

Yes, I let her on my couch. It’s my dog and my shitty couch…so shut up.
Xoxo,
Producer Cristi

February 12th, 2010

In an attempt to introduce Producer Brandon to awesome things invented before 1986 (the year he was born) every week we will present something undiscovered by Brandon. These items are hand picked by me, but feel free to send your suggestions to rad@robarnieanddawn.com. Last week, Brando was challenged to watch the movie "Slapshot" for the first time. Here's what he had to say:

This week we introduce Brandon to what is arguably one of the worst sitcoms ever created…but this doesn’t mean he should go through life without any knowledge of it! I found this out making a Bronson Pinchot reference one day, only to have Brandon look back at me like a deer in headlights.

February 5th, 2010

BREAKING BRANDO: Peanut Donut Update & The Movie "Slap Shot"

In an attempt to introduce Producer Brandon to awesome things invented before 1986 (the year he was born) every week we will present something undiscovered by Brandon. These items are hand picked by me, but feel free to send your suggestions to rad@robarnieanddawn.com. Last week, Brando was challenged to try a peanut donut for the first time. Here's what he had to say:

This week we introduce Brando to my favorite sports movie of all time: "Slapshot"

Before Paul Neuman got old and started making salad dressing, he was easily one of the best looking men Hollywood.

Before the 3 little blonde idiots of Hanson had the one hit wonder "MMMBop", there were the real Hanson Brothers: the idiot savant hockey players.

Before there was "Miracle", "The Mighty Ducks" or even that horseshit "Tooth Fairy" movie The Rock released last weekend, there was "Slapshot".

Brandon has had no exposure to this movie, outside of posting Arnie's movie review of it back in September of 2008. Don't ask me why Arnie would review a movie 20+ years after it came out. I don't question a man's business. Click here to see Arnie's review of "Slapshot"

Check back next week for his review!

xoxo,
Producer Cristi

January 29th, 2010

BREAKING BRANDO

I am doing my best not to come across as elitist, but if you were born after 1980, chances are there are a few things in this world that you might have missed out on. My partner in crime behind the scenes at The Rob, Arnie and Dawn Show, Producer Brandon, was born in 1986. Every so often I'll make a reference or joke that falls flat in the production room, and I have now realized it's not because I'm unfunny (of course not!) but rather, it's because Brando has lived a short sheltered life. Therefore, I have taken it as my mission to expose him to things he should experience before he dies. In the following weeks Brandon will be exposed to various important pop culture items such as the television show Perfect Strangers and the movie Slapshot but for now we will begin with the most elementary item of all: The Peanut Donut

Peanut Donut

 You're licking your screen right now aren't you? Just think about how they smell. How good they taste with coffee or warm apple cider! Now think about poor Producer Brandon, who has never tasted one in his life! Peanut donuts are the only reason I used to get out of bed for church when I was a kid. The old ladies in the congregation would always come correct with punch & donuts for "Coffee Hour" after the service every Sunday morning.  And I could sit through anything if I was promised a peanut donut as a kid.  Even after his trip to Psycho Donuts in San Jose (see the video on our Member's Only website, cheapskates) Brando still has yet to try a peanut donut. And that's just a damn shame. Peanut donuts: they really do put the "nut" in donut. Mmmmmm….

Check back next week to see Brandon’s reaction to his first peanut donut!

xoxo,

Producer Cristi

Email us your suggestions of other things Brando should try before he dies to rad@robarnieanddawn.com

January 14th, 2010

For Both of You Who Like Hockey…

The “experts” at ESPN have released their “Midseason Grades” for all of the NHL hockey teams including the San Jose Sharks. Growing up a Detroit Red Wings fan (a team that is a natural enemy to the Wings) I never expected to become a fan of the Sharks…but I have. This is evidenced by this year’s Christmas gift from my boyfriend:

Please ignore the ugly boots I’m wearing in the photo, as they were a gift from my boyfriend’s Mother and this was the obligatory photo we sent her to prove that I loved them. I will say, however, it’s better than the present my ex-boyfriend’s Mom got me a few years ago: an Ab-roller. What a bitch.

Anyhow, when I signed up for my satellite TV service, I thought I would have access to the local Detroit channel that carries most of the Red Wings games. I was wrong. I would only have access to that channel if I lived in Detroit…which doesn’t explain why I would need satellite service to begin with, but I digress…Because I am unable to see the bulk of the Red Wings games, I have been closely following the Sharks to get my hockey fix, and with good reason: they are the only interesting team in Northern California, period.

Here’s what ESPN has to say about San Jose’s season so far:

“San Jose Sharks: If you take a snapshot of the Sharks at the midway point, they are in a dead heat with the Blackhawks at the top of the West standings and the overall standings. They are offensively dynamic and will send a bevy of players, including four Canadians, to the Olympics. Of course, we've seen this movie before, haven't we? Based on that nagging feeling that the Sharks could just go completely sideways come April, we downgrade them from what should be an automatic A-plus. Hey, no one said life was fair. Grade: A.” (See the full article here)

I can’t say that I disagree with ESPN’s analysis, but they are missing the big picture. There is one HUGE reason the Sharks are doing so well this season and it just so happens to be the same reason I have become a fan of this team:

Patrick Marleau currently holds the record for Highest Goal Scoring in THE LEAGUE. He was a former Captain for the team who stepped down so he could become a scoring machine, which he has quite successfully. You think the brilliant minds at ESPN might have mentioned this when they were considering why the Sharks were having such a great season.  

Not to mention, he’s a total fucking hottie. I should point out, he’s not a great player because he’s hot, rather, he’s hot because he’s a great player. Need more evidence?

Look how excited the fans in the background are. Even all of those dudes want to sit on Marleau’s five o’clock shadow.

Christian Bale chin, Blue eyes, Dark hair. It’s a description straight out of a romance novel. He also has all of his teeth, which is a huge bonus for a hockey player. I should note that he doesn’t have great teeth, but to have all of your teeth as a professional hockey player is quite a feat.

Even if he were to have a few teeth knocked out, I’m pretty sure he’d still look good. I’m thinking along the lines of an adorable Steve Yzerman kind of look. Unfortunately, this leads me to the list of the reasons why I won’t be stalking Patrick Marleau any time soon:

- He rarely fights (and I LOVE fighting in hockey). Nothing is sexier than a brawler who can keep his looks intact.

- He has an awful Canadian accent.

- He has a wife & kid and I in no way want to read about Marleau’s wife pulling an “Elin” and slashing that beautiful face with a hockey stick.

- His gigantic eyebrows make him look like he’s always about to cry.  And you really can’t have sex with someone who looks like they’re going to burst into tears. That is, unless your name is Gary.

So spread the word friends, our region has a team worth paying attention to. For more info hit up: sharks.nhl.com

xoxo,

Producer Cristi