November 2nd, 2009

LOVE NEEDS A 12 STEP PROGRAM

The letters about my perceived “perfect” marriage continue to roll in, and at a newly rapid pace. I have no linear explanation for the recent upturn in interest as it relates to my home life, but it’s always fascinating and flattering. Apparently, as best as I can tell, the overwhelming majority of people that interact with, hear about, watch from afar, and/or know my wife Janell and I detect a very strong bond, love and commitment to one another. We’re working on our 10th year together, 8th married.

Comments range from “My husband and I saw you twice at Apple Hill last week and never said a word to you. We watched you both and you seem to be the happiest married couple in the world that aren’t newlyweds,” to “the one thing that stands out most is that you and Janell are a team; a two person team committed to winning, all of the time and a win in your world seems to be having fun together.”

Other people have mentioned that Janell and I seem to have some sort of telepathic connection to one another; the type that lets us finish each other’s thoughts, have the same thoughts simultaneously and/or be able to communicate without thinking. Still others have commented that we always speak respectfully and treat one another well, others say our bond of friendship is the key and a few think our happiness is directly tied to the fact that we’re both fairly good looking people and somehow that equals happiness.

You’re all wrong. And by the way, Janell and I don’t have the answer, either. We don’t wake up each morning, read our “guide to a happy marriage” checklist and complete our daily exercises. We also don’t have some sort of Disney-esque existence in which singing teapots greet us each morning with a song about love while pouring our coffee. My wife and I argue, get on each other’s nerves, find ourselves “not connecting” and sometimes genuinely don’t want to be around one another.

We are, however, by all accounts, the happiest couple we know. There are maybe 2 or 3 others we have spent enough time with that we could possibly bestow that title upon, but those couples are so vastly different from us in so many ways that it’s an impossible call to make.

Which is part of the problem; happiness is an individual pursuit, defined differently by almost everyone. Relationships demand that two people combine their individual pursuits of happiness without sacrificing who each of them are.

Tough stuff.

And almost never done as far as I can see. One person always gives up more of themselves and almost always becomes resentful and less happy. This leads to the accusation that he or she is no longer as fun as they once were or that they have “changed,” and things spiral downward from there quickly.

So what is the secret to a great relationship? To staying together? To being content but not complacent (or resentful)? To waking up each morning and being glad that the person next to you is still the person next to you?

Is it compromise and negotiation? Absolutely not. Nothing is more offensive to me than the premise that great marriages are built on compromise. How absurdly pathetic. In a compromise, both sides give something up to gain something in return; that’s a business deal, not a relationship. If you truly love the other person, why do you even want them to give anything up? The goal is not to take something away from them; it’s to incorporate into your collective lives what is important to each of you, no matter how silly it seems to the other person.

For example; sports is often a problem area for many couples. He wants to watch a football game, she wants to go on a picnic; so the compromise becomes that he gets to watch half of the game and then they go on a picnic. That’s not a compromise, that’s castration. The man lost. Half of a football game is not a football game, yet she got her entire picnic. Sadly, many of you will laugh at that, thinking it’s funny; or yell out “go girl.” Good for you; I find it sick. Nothing about love; true, honest love; should hurt. And it certainly shouldn’t hurt intentionally or at the hands of your so-called mate.

The above scenario is filled with pitfalls, many of them based on a lack of respect and true, honest love; not just of each other but of yourselves.

In our house, the scenario would likely play out as follows:

Janell: Honey I want to go on a picnic.
Rob: Great, see ya when you get back. Say hi to the ants for me.

Just kidding. I couldn’t resist. Okay…it’s Friday at Williams Manor and the following conversation takes place:

Janell: Honey, I want to go on a picnic Sunday
Rob: A picnic sounds great babe but Sunday is football day.
Janell: All day?
Rob: Yup.  10-4. I’ll be watching the games and working on Monday’s show
Janell: And you’re golfing Saturday morning?
Rob: While you’re sleeping in, yes. 
Janell: What else do you want to accomplish this weekend?
Rob: I have to pay some bills, mow the lawn and we have dinner with Dawn and dumb-dumb Saturday night. How about you?
Janell: I want to sleep in Saturday, clean up the house for our dinner and at some point this weekend I have a huge store trip I have to make.
Rob: Ok great. I will get up my usual early time Saturday morning and take care of the bills and some work then go golfing while you sleep in. When I get home, we’ll both straighten up the house for dinner and then fill in our free time with a picnic. On Sunday, I’ll get up early to do some more work, mow the lawn and watch football while you do your store trip and we’ll meet back here for a nice Sunday dinner. Love you, let’s go have sex.

It’s not exactly rocket science but it sure seems to be hard for most couples to master. Neither one of us gave up a thing in that scenario; in fact there was no compromise at all whatever by either side, nor the inclination that either of us was willing to. That, in a microcosm is a powerful way of making the day to day challenges of marriage work. It isn’t about one of you winning, it’s about the team winning.

Understand that Janell and I are the first to admit that we do not have this figured out. We will however, proudly report that based on our observations, most other peoples’ relationships are terribly hurtful, selfish, childish and destructive when compared to ours, but we are not by any means “experts.” We just decided years ago that we were going to commit equally to each other as much as we have committed to ourselves.

Rob and Janell against the world.

Those who want to be part of our world will play by our governing rules; those who don’t will not be part of our world. It isn’t an attitude of “we don’t need anyone else in our lives to be happy,” it’s again that uncompromising attitude of “we will find people that share our outlook.” Far from being arrogant, it is actually the understanding that we aren’t geniuses and there are others out there that think and act the way we do…we just have to commit to finding them. Along the way, we have removed many people from our lives because they are toxic on some level. Many of them fight openly as couples at the dinner table. Life is too short for Janell and I to endure that type of silliness. Others are truly great people who seem so rotten together as couples; they talk behind each other’s back, demean what is important to their spouse or make comments like “he’d never get away with that in my house.”

No thank you.

In the end, it seems to me that love is all about giving yourself wholly and completely not to another person but to a concept; for us, the concept is the team. Some people would do better to make the concept a shared passion for bird watching. Whatever. It all starts with a shared commitment and understanding that no one has to give up who they are, but everyone has to give everything they have. Janell and I have admitted we are stuck together; put more romantically, we are powerless over our love for one another. It bonds us, drives us, haunts us and keeps us together on those rare days when we don’t really like each other. Step one complete; 11 more to go.