May 24th, 2010

THE ART OF ACHIEVING NOTHING

This past weekend we arose to the celebratory headlines of a thirteen year old American boy scaling Mount Everest, making him the youngest person ever to climb the highest peak on Earth.

Fascinating? Absolutely. Difficult? Totally. Something I could do? No way.

An achievement of any merit whatsoever? Nope.

In one of the thousands of stories that littered our nation’s newspapers and websites on this youngster, the tale was told as follows:

Jordan Romero called his mother by satellite phone from the summit of the world's highest mountain, 29,035 feet (8,850 meters) above sea level. He is now one climb away from his quest to conquer the highest peaks on all seven continents.

"Every step I take is finally toward the biggest goal of my life, to stand on top of the world," Jordan said earlier on his blog. 

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i4ztWzer4OD63WDlWxodWs8CvHgAD9FROS100

How many steps, I wonder, has he taken towards his goal of actually getting a job?

Oh, wait…never mind…he doesn’t have that goal anywhere on his “to do” list.

Big surprise; America has been honoring people who achieve little or nothing for the past couple of decades. The spectrum of non-accomplishments is large and ranges greatly; from jerks like this who achieve nothing more than a stunt that doesn’t do anything to further the cause of humanity, to millions of little pukes across America who are honored for graduating middle school. Graduating from eighth grade or sixth grade or kindergarten, for that matter, is not an accomplishment; it’s a necessary stepping stone towards actually achieving something. Stopping the world to honor a student who is simply in the middle of actually doing what they’re supposed to do is one of the dumbest ceremonial wastes of time we have created in this nation.

Imagine; using the logic of the middle school graduation, General Motors should throw plant workers a party when they install the interior of a car but not the roof.

Every day at noon workers across the country shouldn’t take a lunch break, they should be regaled with a parade for having made it halfway through their workday. Halftime shows at all football games are now going to be replaced by trophy ceremonies honoring all of the players for making it halfway through the game; we’ll announce each one of their names, have them come onstage and shake the hand of the commissioner while being given an award of merit for actually achieving nothing of any note whatsoever.

Graduating from eighth grade in America gets you nowhere; just like scaling Mount Everest means nothing to anyone outside of your family and the activity’s fan base. Neither of these things should be honored, celebrated, regaled, or even reported. They are nonsensical, meaningless happenings of life. Why doesn’t Google blast me every morning with the news that the sun has indeed risen once again?

Spare me, if you will, your simplistic objections.

            This has nothing to do with my inability to climb a mountain. People who shout idiotic things in opposition to my points such as “you couldn’t do it,” do not even deserve a seat at the table of discussions. Each of us is capable of doing all sorts of things that most other people can’t do. This mountain climbing puke couldn’t do a successful radio show as I do, probably can’t cook as well as I do, certainly can’t love a woman the way I do and, based on his blog, has no chance of ever being as great a writer as I am. Whoopie, big deal for me. There are two fundamental differences between my non-achievements and his; First of all, most of mine contribute, in a very small way, to the fulfillment and joy of other people and more importantly, I recognize how totally insignificant I am. Imagine if I actually said that “every step I take is finally toward the biggest goal of my life; to do 2 straight weeks of great radio.” This kid has been allowed to define himself based on a meaningless talent, a set of silly goals, and publicity fawned upon him by an asinine society that encourages his worthless behavior. If he ever actually gets a job, imagine how disappointed he’ll be when he isn’t named employee of the month based solely on the fact that he actually showed up every day. He’ll be devastated. “Where are the reporters,” he’ll ask, weeping under his desk on day 31 of his new job.

            Don’t give me the “he has time for that,” or “he’s just a kid,” arguments either because they are non-starters as well. No one is telling him not to climb mountains or not have fun as a kid before his life turns to absolute hell as an adult. I am demanding that he be told some realities of life, starting with rule #1; no matter how much fun he has climbing mountains, it doesn’t actually matter in the big scope of things. Very little does. Stop waving to the world and saying “look at me, I am an achiever,” because you are not. Additionally, everything about this child screams homeless-at-age-35. He has no actual grasp on the important things in life, no grounding, no boundaries; it’s all very clear in his writings and his parental encouragement. He is heralded now because of his age, he will be ignored later because of his lack of life skills. Someone should pull this poor young man aside and tell him to begin formulating goals and a life plan that matter, and start ignoring the media that is chewing him up and spitting him out for a temporary, selfish moment.

The truth is as simple as it seems; we continue to prop up non-achieving X-games wannabes as though they have actually accomplished something of merit, when, in fact, they have peaked in life (pun intended) in a most pathetic way. Scaling the world’s highest mountain is unique at best and a waste of time at worst. In either case, it is neither newsworthy nor noteworthy and our culture’s alleged fascination with it only furthers the argument that we are on a downward spiral towards second nation status.

Oh, yeah…no surprise here; the kid needs a fucking haircut too. Hippie.