January 9th, 2006
THE 10 MOST EMBARRASSING PEOPLE OF 2005
This is what I'm supposed to do with my first column of 2006, right? Isn't this the "in" thing to do as we start a new year; make a list reflecting on the previous 12 months? I love being a cliché.
My list for the year is self explanatory in its title, but I'd like to expand on the premise just a little. I find embarrassing people to be those who are complete fabrications of themselves. In other words, any person who is so clearly void of a moral compass, who so boldly chooses to lie to the American public and themselves simultaneously is an embarrassment. Now, given that definition you must assume that all politicians make my list. Not so, and there's a simple reason why; to be successful in American politics you have to have sold your soul to the Devil long before I have ever heard of you. I grew up a long time ago and recognized that our system does not allow for honest people to lead our nation. It only takes a few Bill Clintons, John McCains and Colin Powells to learn that even politicians who look like an honest duck and walk like an honest duck are really nothing more than lying dogs, just like the rest of them.
So, without further adieu, I give you the rest of the embarrassments. These are people who exist in a world where they could, and should, be honest and true to themselves, but rather, are pathetic.
#10. Dave Chappelle: The man had it all, including talent and then just walked away, literally, from the show of a lifetime on Comedy Central. He's never truly explained himself, and yes, he does owe that to his fans. 5.9 billion people on this planet will never even have the opportunity he had, let alone the actual outcome. The man should be embarrassed at himself and stay the hell gone. Who needs him now?
#9. Earl: This new show on NBC that you all love so much, "My Name is Earl," continues the downward spiral of what used to be our culture. Comedy used to demand well thought out premises and biting punch lines, and sure, thrown in the middle, the occasional cuss word and fart sound. That's why the greats like Carlin, Kinison, Foxx, and Pryor were great; they used bathroom humor as a subtext. Now, we create whole shows that are one, big, ka-ka joke and the people of this nation eat it up.
#8. Katie Holmes: I don't know what's really going on between Katie and Tom Cruise, but I do know that she is an embarrassment either way. Most people believe that this relationship is a lie and a sham wrapped up in a financial agreement between the two. If so, she's an embarrassment for doing such a despicable thing (as is he). If all of this is real, though, than she is equally embarrassing for not defending herself and her man and her family. I understand better than anyone the concept of living well as revenge towards people who question you, but this is just ridiculous. There are actually people who believe that she is being held prisoner by the man and she doesn't even try to quell that rumor? Besides, she's got ugly teeth.
#7. Terrell Owens: He's one of the best receivers in the NFL, and even that didn't stop him from losing a full year of his career, thanks to his own ego, stupidity and gall. The man did everything wrong in 2005 and believed he was invincible. Oh, sure, he'll play again and he'll be great again and he'll make lots of money again because he is that good. I just really enjoyed watching him fall in 2005 thanks solely and completely to himself.
#6. Michelle Wie, Danica Patrick and the rest: All of you broads who define equality as blurring the differences between sexes are doing nothing to further this land; rather you are weakening a nation. It's not only ok to be different, it's great. Embrace the fact that you will NEVER be able to physically compete against an equally trained man on an equal playing field and we men will embrace that we'll never knit as well as you.
#5. Cindy Sheehan: The mother of a slain Iraqi soldier is so delusional that even the far left anti-American whackos that live in this country avoid her now. She's truly an embarrassment. Read my open letter to Cindy Soapbox and learn more.
#4. Lance Armstrong: Bravo for surviving cancer and bravo for winning your silly little activity over and over again. Lance is an embarrassment because he has once again proven that in this stupid culture of ours, all you have to do is get a disease and people will forgive you for anything. It's amazing to watch pity trump morality. Lance Armstrong has been accused quite strongly by a variety of international officials of using illegal drugs, yet no one in this country even wants to hear it, discuss it, or investigate it (how dare you try to destroy one of our heroes…). More importantly, there is no doubt that Armstrong is an adulterer. While many of you may accept destroying families as commonplace in this society, I never will. The man lied and backed out on a commitment of his and did so in the most deceitful manner possible. He should be embarrassed; those of you who worship him should be ashamed.
#3. Rafael Palmeiro: The former Major League Baseball Player (well, I guess he hasn't actually retired yet, has he?) gave congress the ol' Bill Clinton finger pointing trick as he swore to the world he had never used steroids. Months later, he tested positive. To this day, he swears that he has "no idea" how it all happened. The only thing more disgusting to me than a liar is a liar who still lies after being caught. Christ, give it up, man.
#2. Jessica and Nick Simpson: These two clowns are the most embarrassing individual people of the year due to their year-long impact on society, the scope and gravity of their dishonesty, and their continued attempts to manipulate public opinion while providing us with not one positive contribution ever. For three years we have had to watch one of the worst relationships ever be played out on public television and told how in love these two idiots were. Many of us watched their horrible show with our mouths agape, wondering how two people that hate each other could treat one another so badly, let alone an allegedly "in love" couple. She cheated, he cheated, they denied both, all according to multiple reports and sources, which brings us to the Michael Jackson test; of course people lie about celebrities, but there is a point at which even the most devoted fan must look at the multitude of evidence and relinquish his or her hold on the love of the famous. Where there's smoke there's fire and these two, Nick and Jessica, are two of the most pathetic, dishonest, embarrassing people I have ever seen, publicly or privately. She's worse, he's not far behind.
#1. The American Media: If I did this list every year, the media would be #1 every year since 1960. What a sad, pathetic institution this has become. Whether you are Fox News trying to claim that you are "Fair & Balanced" by bashing the left (because the right has been bashed for so long, they will tell you), or you are the New York Times literally trying to control public policy by the timing of your articles, the media has become one giant pile of dog crap. My favorite story of the year that highlights how bad the media has gotten, on both sides of the political aisle, is Hurricane Katrina. Every channel, every media outlet, reported that there were sharks in the flood waters, rapes and murders at the Superdome, 10,000 people dead and racism everywhere. NONE of those things were true. Not one. The record, by the way, was never properly corrected on any of those points. The American Media polices those it disagrees with, but never itself.
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