October 23rd, 2005
THE 10 THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN THAT ARE DESTROYING OUR SOCIETY:
Halloween is by far one of the worst days of the year. It teaches no positive lessons and re-enforces about 1,274 negative ones. I have tried here to narrow it down to the 10 things about Halloween that are most contributing to the on-going decay of our society.
#10. It Makes Us Even Fatter: I mean, really. In a country that houses a 66% rate of being overweight how are we to justify a night of gathering up copious amounts of empty calories? We live in a society that is removing candy and soda machines from schools because we believe that parents are too stupid to teach their children what to drink and eat, yet once a year we send those same kids out to fill plastic pumpkins with sweet treats. The only thing Halloween teaches our kids is that their parents and other adults are hypocritical idiots.
9. The Sustaining of the Dental Industry Scam: We all know, deep in our hearts, that dentistry is a scam profession. Dentists are certainly needed to fix broken teeth or remove errant arrows from jaws and the like, but the current state of dentistry is a shyster's business. Anyone with half a brain can clean their own teeth, eat sweets in moderation and never need a dentist. Hell, I haven't been in 8 years. Unfortunately, once a year kids across America eat more sugar in a 24 hour period than they will the entire rest of the year as a result of their Halloween pillaging. This, in turn, leads to cavities and a lot of whining about "sore gums" and teeth that "burn when I eat ice cream." Rather than telling kids to "walk it off," like we should, we rush them to the dentist who then gouges the insurance industry and maintains his practice until next Halloween, when the cycle starts all over again.
8. Teaching Kids to Hide Who They Really Are: The best Halloween costume is to go as yourself. I'm tired of telling children that their imaginations are valuable. That's just not true anymore. When we were kids, we imagined hanging out with cool people like Bugs Bunny and the Green Lantern. Now, kids want to play with a talking Sponge and Pineapple under the Sea. How moronic. Sponges can't talk. Kids should trick or treat in business suits and tell people that their costume is "me in 25 years when I'm running the company."
7. It Gives the Jesus Freaks Something to Bitch About: If I hear one more born again Christian scream about Halloween being the Devil's day I am going to scream. If you're so afraid of witches, sorcerers, and Harry Potter than your God isn't as impressive as you keep trying to tell me he is. Go live in Utah and avoid things that will corrupt your soul like Halloween and caffeine.
6. Pumpkin Themed Foods: Do we really need Pumpkin beer? This all began with people needing jelly beans flavored like popcorn and things have only deteriorated from there. Food should be flavored like food. We don't need mint beer, caramel apples or pumpkin bread.
5. We Shut Down the American Work Force: Halloween used to be an excuse for kids to learn how to deal with being tired and suffering from a sugar hangover. We used to spring tests on kids every year on November 1st to teach them a lesson. Now, schools do nothing on that day and it has worked it's way into our businesses. Grown adults show up to work dressed like Betty Boop and discuss the intricacies or knitting mermaid costumes. No work is done and the economy suffers for it, all so you can win a $50 gift card to Linens N' Things at your company costume party (which of course is held during work hours as well).
4. It Encourages Idiotic Paranoia in our Society: I have such a raging hard-on for the lies that the media have forced on society that has caused our idiotic culture to believe that there is a pedophile around every corner and that every single house has put a razor blade in your kids' candy. Fine, then don't leave your house. Live your life in fear and let the rest of us who aren't scared of infinitesimal occurrences go on with our lives.
3. It Teaches and Encourages Home Invasions: Every other day of the year, guard dogs bark and people don't answer the door when strangers come by. On Halloween, dogs are tranquilized and children are allowed to recon perspective victims of robbery and homicide. Brilliant.
2. It Teaches and Encourages Socialism: We are a capitalist nation founded on the ideals of competition and the cream rising to the top to be rewarded for being such. On Halloween, we hand out candy in equal proportions to each rat that arrives at our door. If 5 kids come to the door, we make sure each child receives the same amount of candy. Horrible, and very European of us. Instead, candy should be handed out on a reward basis. The kid wearing the creative highly detailed "Lord of the Rings" costume gets 10 pieces of candy. The rat wearing the store bought Spider-man outfits gets 2 pieces and the poverty stricken loser who didn't even try and puts on a white sheet gets an apple. That'll teach 'em.
1. It Gives Aid and Comfort to our Enemies: The true definition of being a traitor. Every year, we remind the world why we really aren't immortal as a nation. No matter how dingy the mud-hut some foreign terrorist is living in, every year he gains solace and confidence that one day America can be brought down because he figures any nation that allows a spectacle like Halloween to occur annually has to be vulnerable. Way to go, America. Don't come crying to me when you're all being forced to speak Arabic and pray 47 times a day…I warned ya.
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