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You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something... |
October 30th, 2005
ONE MORE PARTING SHOT AT HALLOWEEN
No, I did not get rocks for Halloween like one idiot caller suggested last week after another of my on-air tirades blasting America's stupidest "holiday." As a kid, I loved Halloween and made quite a haul every year. That's the point; as children we're too stupid to know what's good or bad for us which is why we need responsible adults, preferably our parents, to look out for us. Sadly, parents these days are focused on being their kids' friends, so it's up to the few of us who still see the world as it should be to try to right the ship.
Over the past two weeks I have tried to point out all of the horrible lessons that Halloween teaches our children and afflicts upon society in general. Some day people will stop accusing me of over-thinking and take a moment to actually think for themselves, resulting in catharsis after catharsis across the fruited plains. Until then, I will stand alone on my mountaintop and continue pointing out the myriad of ways that you are ruining the greatest society on Earth. Here are a few more Negative side effects of Halloween:
PET TORTURE: Animals who are dressed up by their owners hate their owners. This is fact, so please don't argue. Dogs already have coats, they don't need sweaters. Animals who are forced to wear devil horns and mouse ears on Halloween think that they are being punished for something and wind up confused, ultimately going slowly insane and dying a death only an institutionalized crazy man could relate to. If you insist on dressing up your animal on Halloween or any other day of the year, just go right to a straight jacket and get them outfitted in their future attire now.
CHILDHOOD OBESITY: According to online retailers the number one costume for toddlers this year is a pumpkin. This is rich on two fronts; first of all, a toddler has no God Damned clue what Halloween is. Toddlers don't want to be dressed up and carried from house to house being scared and frozen to death. Toddlers want a clean diaper and a tit, that's it. Secondly, while having no comprehension of the day itself, the one thing toddlers do notice is that Mommy dressed them up in a giant orange orb and fawns over them, lavishing praise upon them and taking 1,634 photos of them. This teaches the toddler that Mommy loves them more when they look this way and thus re-enforces a negative body image: When I am circular and huge, people love me more. Great, in a society of 66% overweight people, we are just creating more problems.
THE ACCEPTANCE OF PEDOPHILIA: Imagine this scenario on any day other than Halloween in America: A child is dressed up in a costume to look like a firefighter. He's told to pose and act like a "big man." Then, photographs are taken of him while he "role plays." Later, he's given candy for looking so cute. Doesn't this just sound disgusting? Michael Jackson himself couldn't write a manifesto more perfectly designed to encourage sickos. We live in a country that is run by fear, especially in the area of parenting. We believe that at any time, anywhere, our child is going to kidnapped, raped or both. Yet for one day a year, Halloween, we encourage our kids to get dolled up and allow adults to take photos of them and hand them things to put in their mouths. I want no part of it, thank you very much.
AN INCREASE IN HOMELESSNESS: Not since Oliver Twist has begging been so encouraged. "Please, sir may I have more gruel," has been replaced by "trick or treat," as teach children that going from house to house of taxpayers with your hand out results in entitlement after entitlement given to people who have earned nothing. If I were a kid in today's "handout society," I'd drop of school at the age of 7.
EVEN EUROPE MOCKS US: My God, the shame. Halloween is so stupid that even Europe, the continent known for being accepting, welcoming and, well, lame. This is the part of the world that was bombed by Al Qaeda right before a major election occurred in Spain. Al Qaeda's message was simple; vote out your current leaders, now. If they tried that in America we would elect the current leader by a margin of 3 to 1 just to prove a point to the World. In Spain, they gave in. Later, they pulled their troops from Iraq. This is what Europeans do, they get along. Europe in known for its acquiescence. If there's debate to be had, Europe wants to avoid it. They believe that everyone should do whatever they want, regardless of those actions' consequences. No judgments, ever.
Even Europe has the ability to see what a craptacular event Halloween is, and they even mustered up the courage to say something about it last week. We're being mocked by the Europeans? I remember an America that would stand up and say "wait a minute," if Europe can see how stupid this is maybe we should re-evaluate." Apparently we have already decided that despite evidence to the contrary, we are no longer the leaders of the Free World. We aren't going to lead on the issue of Halloween destroying the Universe; we're going to do nothing. We're going to continue to celebrate the day of Hob-Goblins and wait for the wrath of the end of all time. What a sad story to be written; The Demise of the Universe, as Caused by Halloween.
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