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Congratulations!
You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something... |
November 23, 2003
Making the Holidays Happy, Pt. 2
We spent a good deal of time on last week's shows dealing with the family pressures of the holidays. Although there were far too many facets of the discussions for me to cover once again in this forum, I'd like to offer a basic synopsis for those of you who missed it, or perhaps still don't get it.
We don't spend enough time or effort in this society empowering people. Instead, we guilt people into believing that they are obligated to do certain things, behave certain ways and make certain sacrifices. I am here to tell you this: No matter what the situation is (at any time in your life) you have a choice.
Specific to the holidays, your choices are far less limited than you think, although the many sub-choices you get to make come after the big one: Are you going to choose your happiness over the happiness of others? If the answer is no, that's fine, it's your choice…but please remember the repercussions of that choice. You (not anyone else) are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of at the holidays. You (no one else) are deciding that you are going to be inconvenienced, stressed out and unhappy at this time of the year. You are entitled to make that choice, but you have no right to then complain about it to anyone else. If you do, you are a self-loathing hypocrite and will lose the respect of those around you. If the answer to the big choice (your happiness versus others) is yes, then congratulations, you have taken a major step, advancing yourself beyond most of society.
Once you have decided that your happiness comes first, then decide what you want the holidays to be about. Use the same guidelines you use when buying a house; decide on the things that are absolutely non-negotiable, then decide what you are willing to compromise on.
For me, I insist that my wife and I spend Christmas morning alone and celebrate our traditional ritual. I demand that we be in our home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I insist that I do the cooking for all holidays that we host.
Fortunately for me, when I had this discussion with my wife, she agreed completely, so my list and her list were easy to meld into "our list." Once you have agreed upon your demands as a couple, the rest is easier than you think. As long as you and your partner are united in your resolve to take hold of the holidays, you will find that your family and in-law guilt trips have much less impact on you.
This year, my wife and I decided together that we wanted to see her mother (who is unable to travel at this time) for a holiday, so we decided to fly to Arkansas and be with her for Thanksgiving. We also decided that we would therefore host Christmas dinner. Those were our resolved decisions and they played out as follows:
*We informed my mother (who lives in the area) that we would not be here for Thanksgiving. Obviously, it's not our desire for her to be alone on Thanksgiving, but we cannot sacrifice our happiness for hers, so we left it at that (she'll be fine, by the way). She in turn asked if we would join her for Christmas Eve dinner at her house, which we will do.
*We informed my Father that we would see him the weeks before and after Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was thrilled, as were we.
*We told my mother and the few friends that we care about that they were welcome at our house for Christmas (as it turns out, it looks like we'll have 7-9 guests that night). In turn, we have agreed to a New Years Eve party at some close friends' houses who will join us for Christmas.
No guilt trips, no fights, and no compromises on our part that we weren't willing to make. We have eliminated people from our lives that would respond with guilt through the past few holidays. By taking control of your life and sticking to it, you'll be amazed at how easy, fun and memorable the holidays will become.
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