November 28th, 2005
ROB'S ANNUAL HOLIDAY GUIDE PART 2; MY WISH INVOLVING OTHER PEOPLE'S PAIN
As I wrote last week, every year I write extensively about the holidays because they mean so much to me. November and December are two whole months every year that I can focus on people important to me, dinner parties, present getting and giving, the positives of the hustle and bustle of the holidays and the nice cool weather, complete with a few storms enjoyed by a roaring fire.
Sadly, so many of you don't enjoy the holidays and I have tried to counsel you as best I can over the years. No one should believe that the Holidays should be anything other than wonderful. This year, I have promised to continue my attempts at helping and counseling you. I decided this week to try a new tact; I am going to try to provide a fresh perspective to those of you I haven't touched yet.
Throughout the year, I am honest about the fact that there are two dichotomies in life that I love equally; I truly love seeing people achieve their goals, and I truly love watching people fail miserably. I can't explain why both give me the same level of joy, but they do. The latter is harder for people to accept. People say it's mean, which I couldn't care less about. At least I am not a hypocrite. We all love seeing people fail, I am just one of the few honest enough to admit it.
For those of you struggling to find joy in the holiday season, I offer you this perspective; find people more miserable than you (because there always are people worse off) and simply say to yourself, "at least I'm not them."
Here is my short wish list of failures for this holiday season:
THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS DON'T GET TO THE SUPERBOWL: Clearly, the Colts are the best team in the NFL. Don't get me wrong, either, I like the Colts. Hell, I picked them at the beginning of the year to go all the way. They have a great offense, defense and special teams. Their coach (Tony Dungy) is heralded as brilliant (even though he's never proven that to be true) and the team has big name superstars. They have all the makings of a surefire Super Bowl champ. Additionally, they have lived in the shadow of the New England Patriots for the past 4 years. All of this is why I hope they don't even make it to the big game. They are, right now, anointed to do so. What could be better than to watch the almighty Colts, the Cinderella story that has been waiting to happen since Payton Manning was drafted, come crashing to the Earth? Let's see them lose at home in the playoffs to the Chargers. How great would that be? Tony Dungy is loved by the media for no reason. He is no Bill Belicheck, so let's prove it by watching this 15-1 or 14-2 team that is expected to dance to a championship stumble instead into failure. Perhaps one or two of their stars will be so devastated they'll fall prey to some kind of off-season addiction or crime spree just to make the story complete.
IRAQ HAS MORE SUCCESFUL ELECTIONS AND ULTIMATELY BECOMES A DEMOCRACY On the surface, this seems like too positive of a wish, but bear with me. I simply can't root against success in Iraq because our troops are there. I admit it, I am a blind, sympathetic to our military, patriotic American. Right or wrong, I support our military wherever they are sent. I save my blind hatred and disdain for the politicians, not the troops. Therefore, I can't root for Iraq to crumble into civil war. I have to find another reason to find failure and I think I have done so. For two years, the haters of America have rooted against us. Those include other countries, and sadly, millions of Americans right here in our own nation (Hello, Michael Moore). Every time something of note comes along in Iraq (a constitution, an election) people root for its' failure and all-out chaos. So, let's see another success when Iraqi's vote in a couple of weeks. Then, let's see American troops begin to pull out in 2006, leaving behind a young, yet burgeoning, democracy. In 5 years, let's see a stable Iraq making billions off its' oil and striving to become legitimate. I know it's a long way off, but the sheer suffering that such a scenario would bring to all those that hate America would bring such joy to my heart that I am willing to wish and hope against all odds.
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON IS A BOON FOR THE COUNTRY'S ECONOMY Similar to my previous wish, this one would drive a dagger into the heart of those who constantly root for the end of our great nation. They are always out there, and if you follow history you know that America has been at death's door, according to the nay-sayers, by my count about 5,368 times in the last 30 years with asinine proclamations like the following: We were going to be blown up by the Soviets during the Cuban Missile crisis, we were going to be destroyed by the world during Vietnam, Watergate was the end of our legitimacy as a world leader, our economic system had been proven a failure in the late 1970's, we were going to be blown up by the Soviets during the Reagan Cold War, our economic system had been proven a failure in the late 1980's thanks to the Stock Market Crash, Iran-Contra was the end of our legitimacy as a world leader, the election debacle of 2000 was the end of our legitimacy as a world leader, we were going to be blown up by the terrorists after 9/11, our economic system had been proven a failure in the early 21st century by the effects of 9/11, combined with war-time tax cuts, blah blah blah. Hey Chicken Little, this just in; the sky still isn't falling. Every single Holiday season expert after expert predicts a dismal holiday shopping season. Retailer after retailer is predicted to go under or lose million. Nowadays, we even go so far as to have a news reporter stationed at every mall in America on the day after Thanksgiving just so they can report that, "while crowds are larger than usual, they're still dissapointing and they are buying much." Every year it's the same. Every year, it's also false. Every year we're told the shopping season was awful, then when the true figure arrive in January, not a scant word is said about the 4-5% growth that no on expected. Why should we report on something that proves our economic system is the greatest one ever invented? So this year, I must hope for such an astounding holiday season that the truth can't be suppressed and mis-reported. Just to see the looks on the faces of reporters like Anderson Cooper, and Geraldo Rivera, people who exist to report how awful this country is, as they get run over by the enormous crowds in the malls. How priceless that would be.
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