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Congratulations!
You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something... |
December 5th, 2005
ROB'S ANNUAL HOLIDAY GUIDE PART 3; WAYS YOUR HOLIDAY COULD BE WORSE
In trying to find new and unique ways to help you enjoy the holiday season, I once again this week offer my perspective on how, no matter how bad you think the Holidays are, your life could be worse.
YOU COULD LIVE IN PAKISTAN: This of course, presumes, that you are not reading this in Pakistan, although I'm not sure they have the internet there. In fact, I'm not sure they have butterfly nets there (insert sliding trombone sound effect here, please). As if Pakistan wasn't enough of a Hell-hole already, they had a huge earthquake last month that killed 75,000 people and created more rubble in a nation already defined by its' rubble. There's nothing merry in Pakistan.
YOU COULD HAVE BIRD FLU: At least if you have cancer, you've got a fighting chance in this country. Bird Flu is a death sentence once you have it and it's a damn embarrassing way to die, too, I might add. I mean, mad cow is one thing because people can actually envision how a very angry cow could kill a person. But bird flu? A parakeet that murders? That's just sad.
IT COULD BE 1920: The one thing tens of millions of Americans agree upon when it comes to the Holidays is that the thing that gets us through is alcohol. In 1920, nationwide prohibition had just begun and the only people drinking were those who could obtain rot-gut made in peoples' bathtubs. Truly our nation's darkest hour. I need a drink just thinking about it.
YOU COULD BE DANA REEVE: Imagine spending years with your crippled husband, just to have him die on you. Then, months later, you discover you have lung cancer even though you've never smoked in you life! What a bitch (the series of events, that is, not her).
YOU COULD BE A FLY BORN ON DECEMBER 16. The average house fly lives 8 days. What a crapper way to die than to die on Christmas Eve.
YOU COULD HAVE WATCHED YOUR OWN CHILD DIE THIS YEAR: I admit, this is pretty harsh but I am trying to prove a point here. No matter how bad you have it, someone has it worse, so why waste the holidays thinking about your shitty life? Did your child die this year? If not, rub some dirt on whatever is bothering you and walk it off. Life could be worse.
YOU COULD HAVE WATCHED YOUR CHILD DIE AND FOUND OUT YOU HAVE AIDS IN THE SAME DAY: Do you get the idea yet? Look, if you want to walk around grousing about your crappy life 11 months every year, so be it. I just don't understand why you want to keep doing it in December when so many other people, who also don't have it so great, find a way to put aside their miserable ness for one month per year. There's no reason to waste Christmas. So, light a cigar, chew some Bazooka, drink some ashtray juice, do whatever it is that you do to savor the good life and remember; there are always people worse off than you.
Happy Holidays.
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