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| Rob's Soapbox | ||
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Congratulations!
You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something... |
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December 18th, 2006 MY CHRISTMAS WISHES I don't spend a lot of time "wishing" for things or "hoping" that events will go a certain way. I don't believe in wasting away in what I call "should-land," where we opine over how the world "should" be in our own arrogant minds. I am a believer in reality and in making things happen the way I want them to. Everything else, all of those things that are out of my control and influence, are simply not worth my personal energy. However, once or twice each year I permit myself the dalliance of wishing. Most of my wishes are based on my own selfish desires and things that I want to actually see happen because I will derive pleasure them, and most of them are things that won't happen… but a guy can dream, can't he? WISH #1: The New Orleans Saints will lose in the first round of the NFL playoffs. I have really thought this one through. My gut instinct was to wish for the Saints to get all the way to the Super Bowl and then lose, but the truth of the matter is that we would then be inundated on Super Bowl Sunday with 3 pre-game hours of depressing vignettes about the current state of that god forsaken city and what fun would that be? During the game, the announcers would clearly be biased and openly rooting for the damn Saints in a hope that they could help "heal the crescent city." Please, gag me. New Orleans is easily the most overrated city in America, shown by the fact that half of its population has chosen not to return more than a year after Hurricane Katrina. I am sick and tired of hearing about the city built BELOW sea level still trying to recover from the hurricane. If they really wanted to recover, they would have started by not re-electing their idiot mayor who is personally responsible for more than a handful of deaths in that tragedy. Screw New Orleans. The Saints are the worst franchise in the history of professional sports, ever and are owned by a man who just a year ago couldn't wait to move his team out of that city forever… now he's hailed as a local hero for keeping the team in New Orleans when in fact all that happened was his "deals" fell through. The Saints will get to the post season, that much is already apparent, but my wish is to watch them lose on the first weekend so they go away, quietly into the obscure annals of sports history and once again resume their rightful place as "suckiest team in history, ever." WISH #2: Barack Obama will run for president. I admit that I am a political nerd and I love to watch presidential races. The 2004 battle was horrible because we already knew Bush was running for re-election (thus no primary battle) and all of the fun was sucked out of the Democratic side when Howard Dean screamed his way to defeat and left us with the human bore-stick, John Kerry. This year, and yes, the 2008 race begins in 2007, will be fun if Barack jumps in. On the Republican side, we already have a great battle brewing between Giuliani, McCain, and maybe Gingrich, three experienced, polished politicians with completely different styles and backgrounds, but all capable leaders. On the Democratic side, we had all thought we were relegated to watching Hillary Clinton slide into the nomination and then screech her way across America as the first woman candidate for President. With Obama , we get a charismatic speaker and the first potential Black candidate, both notions that add excitement to a usually stale process. WISH #3: Dakota Fanning will move to Africa to fight famine. I don't care where this pretentious little roach actually goes, I just want her to stop making movies and never be seen or heard from again. She's made enough money; she doesn't need to bore us all to tears any longer with her stupid gap-toothed smile and inability to act. Bring back Shirley Temple. Hell, bring back Shirley Temple Black for that matter. WISH #4: "HD radio" ads will stop running. I am smart enough to not overtly bite the hand that feeds me by spending too much time on-air criticizing this failed endeavor, but it really is time to let this Titanic sink. No one cares about High Definition radio, period. Using cryogenics to unearth a dinosaur is failed science, and like so many other things that have no interest to the American public, HD radio is destined to wind up on the garbage heap of dopey ideas that promised to enhance our lives but were nothing more than forced failed attempts to keep up with an industry that had passed us by. In 10 years, look for your favorite HD tuner right next to the electric car, On-star, and DVD copies of "Cop-Rock." WISH #5: A new sex symbol will emerge. It's been a long time since America had a real, honest to God sex symbol. We've been so desperate lately that we've anointed women of questionable looks and complete inability to speak to the position; and a lack of choices doesn't mean that the best choice is a real choice. Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, hell, even Pam Anderson, are NOT sex symbols. They are all idiots who are or were semi-hot. Angelina Jolie wastes her looks on babies and being the world's do-gooder which, while admirable, is an instant soft-on. A sex symbol is supposed to be both sexy and smart…. at least smart enough to be coy and lovable to men, but hated by most women. Marilyn Monroe still was the quintessential sex symbol because she knew that women would hate her, but envy her and thus copy her, and that's what makes a great sex symbol. Nothing makes Jessica Simpson less hot than having normal women adore her. Please, Santa bring us one this year. WISH #6: American Parents will grow spines. It's appalling to me how pervasive the trend of the inmates running the asylum has become in relation to American kids and their parents. With growing incidence, more and more kids are being allowed to forego self respect and societal rules to simply do what they want and look how they want all in the name of the worst mantra known to man-kind, "They're just kids… what's the harm?" WISH #7: America's Funny Bone will re-grow: I can't believe that the funniest shows on TV right now are cartoons. Even in the case of the "Family Guy," and the "Simpsons," I am convinced that more than half of the viewers don't really get what they're laughing at, they just think it's funny because it's a drawing that moves. The social satire and commentary of those two shows are what comedy is all about. Movies like "Talladega Nights," and shows like "My name is Earl," and the "Office," are what passes as comedy to the masses now-a-days, in the absence of real humor. That's akin to anointing a lemur "King of the Jungle," just because you can't see any lions. WISH #8: "Rocky Balboa," will be a blockbuster. I really don't care much for Sylvester Stallone. I haven't seen the movie and I don't actually care much about it, other than the fact that I, like every other red blooded American kid, loved the original "Rocky." All accounts are, though, that the movie is all about why it's ok for a man to be man. God it would be refreshing if this country would once again embrace the qualities of masculinity that make us great. We've spent decades mocking and demeaning men and it's cost us dearly at home and around the world. John Wayne must be doing cartwheels in his grave. Why 8 wishes, you ask? I could say something stupid like I made one for each of the reindeer, but that would be the kind of thing you'd hear on "My name is Earl," so I will spare you that answer. The truth is that I am a non-conformist and football is about to start. Have a great holiday.
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