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You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something...

 

April 18th, 2004

The Passion of Christ... on a Crutch


I believe in a power and entity greater than me. I am certain that there is more to existence beyond our time on the Earth. I am confident that the universe was created by a power far beyond anything I will ever be able to comprehend. I do not feel obligated to share with you which God(s) I believe in, or what my concept of the afterlife is because it's none of your damn business.

I also recognize that you are entitled to believe what you want, and none of us actually knows the truth. It is because of this that I absolutely despise organized religion and all that it has done to ruin mankind. Religion is all about being absolutely certain that you are right, while at the same time failing to acknowledge that billions of other people on the planet are just as certain as you that they are right, yet they believe something completely different. Additionally, religion encourages you to find new followers to your flock, while at the same time judging those who choose to maintain their beliefs in contradiction with your own.

With all of that "full disclosure" crap out of the way, I can now move on to blatantly ridiculing a large group of people; specifically about 500,000 of you who, according to a report last week, have purchased the "Passion of the Christ" soundtrack.

Are you kidding me? I mean really, people it's time to put the crucifix down and step away from the madness.

I saw the movie and found it to be mediocre. Adequate. Fine. That's it.

I didn't cry, weep, feel guilty or rush to a confessional booth. The story was great, but it was hardly original…it's been around for 2000 freaking years, after all. The violence was over the top, but not unbearable nor unexpected. If you know the story of Christ, you know that his last 12 hours on Earth weren't exactly a day at Sea World.

So I admit it, I wasn't "moved," by the damn film. I respect people who were. What I can't comprehend is why on God's green Earth you would feel compelled to purchase the soundtrack to this movie. We're not exactly talking the poppy/uplifting stylings of the Jackie Gleason Orchestra here. The movie is a 2-hour bloody flog-fest…you can imagine the downtrodden music that goes with it.


The soundtrack is twelve tracks of pure Hell on Earth that makes one desire to be crucified himself. There is nothing uplifting, inspiring, relaxing, soothing, calming or musical about it. Two instruments are used throughout the entire CD; a pan flute and an out of tune Oboe. I think a triangle may have been thrown in there just for a goof on track four, but I digress.

I can only hypothesize that one of a few things is behind this album selling 500,000 copies:

1. People are so moved by the story that they feel compelled to own, touch and feel anything they can possibly find in conjunction with it. Why it took a damn movie to make someone feel this way about their God is beyond me, but I am not here to pass judgment.
2. People feel so guilty about Christ dying for their miserable lives that they have decided to flog themselves repeatedly by listening to the most depressing collection of tunes known to mankind over and over again. By visualizing Christ dying his slow painful death while enjoying the uplifting notes of the Jerusalem Marching Band people think they are paying homage to their savior by feeling worse about themselves. Whatever.
3. It's one of those things that people buy but never actually open or use. Like condoms.
4. Asshole Born-Agains are buying these CDS and giving them to their neighbors and children as a way of "spreading the word." As if the sound of peeling the skin off of a live cat is going to inspire someone to suddenly believe in the Lord.
5. Asshole Born-Agains are simply buying the CD because it re-enforces their belief that they are better than everyone else. It's just like the Church going slut who is cheating on her husband with the pastor but believes that if she wears 17 cross necklaces, she'll be saved.

In the end, this is nothing more than yet another example of the frail Human race trying to grasp onto and believe in something, rather than believing in themselves. Fortunately for me, my God has a sense of humor and he's laughing his ass off right now. Probably because he's got a great back-end deal on CD sales with Mel.



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