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| Rob's Soapbox | ||
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Congratulations!
You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something... |
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March 6th, 2006 THE ART OF MAKING POO-POO FUNNYKa-ka, the age old excrement that seeps from our bodies, has been funny since the first caveman tricked his not so intelligent and slightly overweight friend into eating it. Since that first poo prank mankind has been trying to out-do one another with new and inventive ways to utilize dung in humor. The truth of the matter is though, that all comedy takes a certain level of talent, knowledge, staging, execution and understanding. You can't just walk up to someone and throw shit on their face and be considered a comedian. Don't get me wrong, that would be funny, but it would also be crude and slightly illegal. Great comedy is more subtle and less likely to land you in the pokey. Now, did you notice what I just did there at the end of that last paragraph? I used the word pokey instead of jail. Why? Because at that moment, pokey was more funny. Jail would have been sterile. Words matter in comedy, whether written or spoken and there is no greater example of that than doo-doo. Anyone can say shit 1,000 times to describe dookie. Truth is, after you've said it 45 times it's no longer creative or funny. Knowing when to use which type of word for the chocolate canoli is very important. When in doubt, talk like a 3 year-old and you'll be safe. Laughs guaranteed. Right about now many of you are wondering what the hell the point of this column is. "Where are Rob's thoughts on nuclear proliferation," you're thinking to yourself as you read me write about crap, literally. Trust me, I have a point. During our recent 29 hour Rob, Arnie and Dawn-a-thon, some idiot called in at about hour 20 to inform the three of us that just because we were staying up for more than a day, we still had no right to complain about being tired because (paraphrasing here) we basically didn't have real jobs to begin with. His point was that during a normal work week, as far as he's concerned, we walk in to a comfortable room, talk with our friends for 5 hours and then go home. We expend no effort, accomplish no goals and live the life of Reilly. At some point in his asinine call I believe he said something like "anyone can sit around and talk for 5 hours." It was at that point Arnie invited him to give it a shot, live on the radio, and the guy just grunted and hung up. I'm not prone to defensiveness, nor am I one to claim that my life rises to the level of a hard-working blue collar dad of 3 kids on the difficulty scale. I am, however, one to point out the ignorance of peoples' myopic views of how life works, and I am also one who is proud of what he's achieved and chosen in life. Beginning with that Dad of 3 kids who works as a firefighter, construction worker, etc it's all about choices. God Bless him for the choices he's made, but let's be clear; he chose to have children and chose his line of work. Whether consciously or through a series of events in his life, he chose that outcome. By the way, most dads I meet who fit the previous description proudly go about their days and don't impugn others for their successes like the previous caller I cited. As for me and the show I do with my partners, I can only encourage you to listen to almost any other show on the radio to see (or hear) the work we do to make our show the best we can make it. Due to the sad state of the radio industry, the caller is correct that any idiot can pretty much get on the radio, but the truth is that it takes true talent and hard work to succeed and stand out above the rest of the pitiful industry. That thumping you hear is me patting my partners and I on the back… and screw you, by the way. Hard work can be loading 15 tons everyday or finding a way to keep an audience of 250,000 people entertained every day in new and inventive ways. To the type of thinking possessed by that guy that called, there is no such thing as hard work because there will always be someone who can claim that what they do is harder or more important. Do you remember that old game we used to play in elementary school involving which professions were most important to take to the Moon? The premise was that a new race of Earthlings was being sent to the moon to save mankind and we needed to choose the 5 people most important to take. There were doctors, lawyers, construction workers, pilots, security experts, etc to choose from. My class did it in the 6th grade and when we had completed the project, I still remember, we chose the following people to go; A doctor to keep us healthy, a construction foreman to help us build shelter, a scientist to study the terrain and atmosphere, a female to procreate the species and knit our warm clothes and my character. My profession? A clown. Yup, a clown. I had made the case that without comedy, a release, a way to escape the importance of what we were doing, the new human race wouldn't stand a chance. The five people, I said, would implode under their own deluded self-importance. I was right then and I'm right now. So, go out today and tell someone a good shit joke, because it may be the most immature and important thing you do all day. Just remember to call it ka-ka.
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