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You have finally landed on the one page on this entire site (and on the entire internet for that matter) that is purely without bullshit... my soapbox page. There are a lot of times during our show that, whether it's because of time constraints and other obligations, I don't always get to address some issues that I feel don't get the attention they deserve. There are even more times when I just don't feel like waiting until the show the next day to get some things off my chest. Thus, I have started the "Rob's Soapbox" page. If you have clicked on this page looking for someone to coddle your fragile sense of self-esteem, or tell you what you want to hear or to reinforce your outdated world view, then exit this page right now and go somewhere else. If you are in search of the last forum for reason and common sense left in the world, then sit back, relax, and enjoy. I make only one promise with this soapbox page... if you read long enough and often enough, you will eventually be offended. So here's my latest soapbox. Listen up, 'cause you just might learn something...

Monday, May 5th, 2008

NO MATTER THE REASON,
SLINGING SNEAKERS OVER POWER LINES IS STILL STUPID

Many months ago, I began noticing sneakers, usually kids’ sized sneakers, slung over telephone lines and power wires. As I asked various people of their origin, I received a variety of answers. Upon further review and research, I have discovered that there are actually a number of reasons why people are engaging in this dopey activity, and almost all of them are idiotic.

For starters, by definition, any tradition that has multiple origins and motivations is fairly stupid. There are not multiple reasons why we say the pledge of allegiance before school or sing the National Anthem before a ball game; there is one; to honor America. There are not a myriad of “made up” origins as to why we lay a wreath at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier every Memorial Day; there is one; to honor the fallen. Any “tradition” whose origins are multiple and cloudy begins with multiple strikes against it and a cloudy future.

The most concise synopsis of most of the possible reasons for slinging sneakers can be found on the urban legends website, Snopes (as indicated by italicized and underlined print. My comments follow in normal type):

http://www.snopes.com/crime/gangs/sneakers.asp

All across the United States, you'll encounter discarded shoes hanging from wires, poles,  and trees. Theories as to what these shoes signify abound, but, contrary to what one hears, there's no one right answer. Who put the shoes there and why? The list of explanations goes on. Suggestions include:

It's the work of gangs marking the boundaries of their territory.
This is patently stupid if it’s at all true, and shows the on-going pussification of America. I remember the good ol’ days when gangs marked their territories by leaving behind human hands, killing people wearing blue and spray painting walls.

Bullies take them off defenseless kids, then sling them up out of reach as the ultimate taunt.
Worst bully ever.  

Gang members create an informal memorial at the spot where a friend lost his life.
More gang pussiness. In the past, when the friend of a gang member was killed, gang members exacted revenge by killing the murderer. When the Bloods and Crips go soft, America has lost its’ way.

Crack dealers festoon wires to advertise their presence in the neighborhood.
Ummmm…if Snopes knows this, don’t the cops?

The shoes increase wire visibility for low-flying aircraft.
You have got to be kidding me. Who the hell thinks this is true? How LOW are these aircraft flying? Additionally, what kind of super vision does the pilot have that he can see a pair of size 2 shoes, but can’t see the giant pole 5 feet to the left?

Overly puffed-up boys who have just lost their virginity or otherwise passed a sexual milestone look to signal the event to others.
Get a MySpace page, loser.

Graduating seniors mark this transition in their lives by leaving something of themselves behind; namely, their shoes.
Oh, God. Back in the day, most of us marked this transition in our lives by getting drunk until we puked and then getting a job. Sneaker slinging is not a profession…yet.

Kids do it just because it's fun. And besides, what else are you going to do with a worn-out pair of sneakers other than tie the laces together and toss them high?
Kids also vandalize, rob and rape because it’s fun. This is littering, God Damn it. Why not also toss used diapers, condoms and tampons onto, over and into various other structures of city and public use?

- They serve as roadside memorials for innocent children who have been the victims of car accidents. This, of course, is moronic because all roadside memorials are nothing more than lame forms of symbolism that disallow the healing process. The proper place to memorialize a dead child is in a cemetery. I have also always wondered about the logic behind memorializing a vehicular accident victim by erecting a memorial that distracts other drivers from the road, thus potentially causing additional fatalities.

- They are some form of ode to an old, southern tradition involving cowboy boots. How neat. Perhaps we could also pay homage to another old, southern tradition; racism.

- They are some form of ode to a military custom indicating various levels of basic training, boot camp, etc have been completed. If true, let’s leave military traditions to the military, shall we? They’ve earned it.

Regardless of the reason, I have made my judgment; sneaker slinging is just another in a long line of idiotic, asinine, worthless American gimmicks that we have created out of boredom, complacency, arrogance and ignorance. Only in this stupid country would we create such a dumb practice. The only thing remotely legitimate about this whole thing would be watching how many times a grieving father would have to toss the shoes up before he actually got them to properly sling across the power lines. How many black eyes have people gotten watching the sneakers plummet back to earth directly into their face? Apparently, nothing heals like a lack of physical coordination.

In a nation that screams of a slowing economy and a growing divide between the upper and middle classes, how exactly is it that we justify tossing perfectly good sneakers over hanging wires? It’s no wonder the terrorists hate us…hell, I am starting to hate us.

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