January 5th, 2009

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE VACATION

Years ago I came to grip with the fact that the only reason I show up to do our radio show any more is for my own personal form of therapy. Let’s be honest; I don’t need to work much any longer, I really don’t care for awaking each morning before God himself, and five days a week of Dawn is 6 more than any human should be subjected to. So why do I do it? I realized long ago that the show has become my form of venting. Being on the air every day allows me to channel my utter hatred for the American society we have created in a variety of inexpensive ways. True therapy is far too expensive, after all. On the show, I can take the vitriol I build up by interacting with this worthless society and turn it into anything from entertaining angry rants to totally silly slapstick.

Alas, when I am away on one of our eight weeks of PAID vacation, I lose my outlet. It is quite literally the only thing I miss about doing the show. God help all of you if I ever actually learn to accept, deal with and no longer care about the miserable cretins disguised as humans that surround us all on a daily basis for if that day ever comes, so too will my retirement. Until then, vent I must.

I had originally planned on making this column a timeline of all of the astoundingly rude, inconsiderate and self-centered behavior I witnessed or was a direct victim of over the two weeks of our PAID holiday vacation. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I was cut-off in traffic or saw someone cut-off. I lost track of all of the times some ass face held up a line of cars too numerous to count while going 55 MPH in the fast lane and refusing to get into the right hand lane allowing people to pass as both the law and common decency demand that he do. I have already forgotten how many people walked in and out of stores without even offering to hold the door open for whoever was using the same door right behind them. During our two weeks of PAID vacation I saw everything from people allowing their dogs to crap on their neighbors’ lawns (without cleaning it up of course) to countless incidents of people shoving, cutting and pushing their way through stores and crowds for ultimately no reason at all. And don’t even get me started on the fat foreign bitch that almost got cold cocked by my wife at the Heart Castle after the bitch bumped my wife for the third time while taking pictures during our tour. That Snatch is lucky she wasn’t pushed down the 381 stairs we had to climb to tour the dump. But I digress.

Let’s be candid for a moment, shall we? Rudeness in America is rampant and hypocritical. Just like poor driving, most of you bitch about it and then commit the very same acts you complain about constantly. In a late 2008 survey, 80% of all American drivers said rudeness on the road had gotten worse, but 99% of those surveyed said they were not rude drivers. Something about those numbers doesn’t add up unless you adjust the stats to account for delusion and complete lack of personal responsibility. Societal rudeness is just the same. Most of you sit around with your crappy friends bitching about other people doing the exact same things that you then turn around and do unapologetically. It’s the function of being a nation of losers. Those of us who are not hypocritical bags of vomit occasionally sit around trying to analyze where, when and how this all happened. Ultimately, that is a failed proposition because determining where this decay of society began is a lost cause; we are too far gone. The question now is how long it takes before people begin randomly murdering rude people. For those of you who ask “where do all of these rude people come from?” I submit to you the following singular example:

On Friday night, December 19th it was the first day of my vacation. Since we had done the show that morning, I had been up since 2:30 A.M. and was tired enough to be in bed fast asleep at 9pm. It is important to note for the purposes of context, that the following morning would see thousands of people awake before sunrise to get to their retail jobs early for the busiest shopping day of the year. Many people were done for the evening at 9pm, not just lame morning talk show hosts.

Usually, if my wife stays up without me, as she did that evening, our two German Shepherds are right there with her. One at her side in the family room, the other curled up at the front door, both dogs ready to eat anything that moves within a 1000 foot radius of our property line. On this rare night, I took the dogs to bed with me; an occurrence that will never again befall our home lest Haley himself returns holding his comet. Had the dogs been with my wife on this night, the story would have been far more hilarious and less instructive. Alas, they were curled up with me in the bedroom guarding the back of the house, which for those of you who are poor, is very far away from the front of the house. But I digress yet again. All of what happened next (and even some details I will not bore you with) was captured on our home security video surveillance system, a device that I only wish had the capability to shoot heat seeking people missiles as well.

At 9:30 pm that night, there arose such a clatter
that my wife sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter. 
She peaked through the front door peephole, while reaching for a nearby gun 
hoping to have a little holiday fun. 

Thoughts of rushing to the bedroom to grab the two dogs danced through her head
But she decided to let us all sleep peacefully instead.

As she peered out the door she saw the cause of the trouble

It was a group of caroling neighbors touring our community
Singing crappy songs and disturbing the peace with total impunity.

Oblivious to the fact that it was near ten o clock
This rude herd of scum were determined to sing Jingle Bell Rock
My wife stood ready, hoping they would ring the doorbell
For if they had, the dogs would have shot out of the bedroom like bats from hell

The vision of two snarling shepherds danced in my wife’s head 
As she thought of them appearing in our front windows and scaring the group dead
For you see this group of inconsiderate singers was not just men and women of age
But included also a child, perhaps eight
Who was being taught by his parents how to make people feel for him nothing but hate

The little puke never rung our bell, but he did go straight to work 
For his job on this night was clearly to be a prepubescent jerk

As the group realized we were not coming out of our own volition
The parents informed the child that they would have to move on with their mission
The boy, a true cretin in training
Picked up our front door mat while the adults all watched him, abstaining
The little tike made a comment not audible to my wife at the time
But it was clear that the tone of it was not very kind
He threw down our mat, kicking it as it fell, leaving it crooked and disheveled
And yet again the adults in the group did nothing to teach him he was acting like the devil

For you see this whole event was about teaching the child
Not to act like a considerate member of society, but rather to go wild

No thought was given to others that night 
who may have been sleeping
Or perhaps not feeling right

There are plenty of reasons many of us do not want to be bothered in our homes
It’s our right in this country if we want to be left alone

This group however was on this night teaching this boy 
that others don’t matter
Considering peoples’ feelings would be as ridiculous as being told no when he asked for a toy

It was heard very clearly as the parents explained to the little rat
That they had to leave because we weren’t home. They said this is though it were fact
They never gave any thought to the idea that we didn’t want to be verbally raped
And any chance to teach the boy about consideration had totally escaped

Clearly this boy is being taught to be rude
But his parents don’t see that, for they are simply passing along their attitude
In their world, what they perceive to be true is right all the time
And too bad if you aren’t on their same page
For they don’t care if they wind up in some rant disguised as a holiday rhyme

As my wife told me the story on the next morn 
of inconsiderate vandalism and of her total scorn

I simply reminded her that people suck as I held her tight
And reminded her that the next time someone comes on our property at dark, she will never hesitate to grab our dogs and allow them to get a good bite.