February 9th, 2009

A VALENTINE'S IDEA; FALL IN LOVE WITH SELF ESTEEM

More than 12 years ago, when I really began expanding the scope of what the morning show talked about, I used to buy and read every magazine remotely related to pop culture. Quickly the show gravitated to articles that focused on relationships, dating, interacting with the opposite sex and the like. (This, of course, made sense for a show hosted by three single people in their mid 20s).

We would rip and read and comment on stories from Cosmopolitan, Maxim, Complete Woman and every other magazine in between. The articles ranged from “Ways you can tell your mate is cheating on you,” to “the best places to find a quality man,” (the answer to that last one was always a golf course bar which I thought was so stupid…what woman wants to meet a fat guy who considers golf exercise?)…oops, sorry Arnie.

The show, like all of us in life, has matured. With age, experience and maturity we find different things to discuss and different ways to talk about them. Most of the relationship talk on our show now is inspired by real life incidents as opposed to magazine articles, gestating from our own experiences or “Dr Rob” letters from the audience.

I still occasionally buy the magazines though. Old habits are hard to break, I suppose. I still find things worthwhile for the show, but they are now “Beat Arnie” topics and articles of a different nature. And I admit, I still read the trashy relationship articles to stay in touch with the things that poor, pathetic losers are being told when it comes to finding the “perfect man.”

Oh, please…tell me you aren’t offended by that last sentence. Can’t we all agree that Cosmo is not the place to get advice on how to find a quality man? Only a totally inept social degenerate would actually implement their suggestions; all of which stereotype men in the most cartoonish of ways while giving no credit what-so-ever to women for having any intelligence, standards or self esteem.

To prove my point, I direct you to the article that inspired this column. Recently, while submersed in a nice hot bath I was thumbing through “Complete Woman” magazine, emblazoned with the new, fit, ready-to-tour Britney Spears on the cover. Inside, I found a three page article meant to actually help women find and keep a man. Instead, the article inspired deception and the seeking out of both a total scumbag and a man who has absolutely no self respect, confidence or balls at all.

The title of the Article is “10 Things He Doesn’t Want To Know About You, Ever.” I believe I let out an audible, “Oh for Christ’s sake,” when I read the title. Immediately, by their use of the word “ever,” they are establishing that we are talking about a long term relationship, as opposed to a casual fling or one night stand; clearly in such meaningless sexual interactions there are plenty of things that never need to be said or shared. In fact, if you are looking for just sex, the less shared about yourself is usually the better. That isn’t the premise for their “tips.” They’re suggesting that all men (and the men the readers of their rag will be finding) desperately want and need to have certain things hidden from them by the woman in their life; forever. The author, some huckleberry by the name of Sam Delaney who is supposedly representing the male point of view with his pathetic article, subtitles his courageous piece of literature with the following advice: Honesty is not always the best policy. There are some secrets you really should “forget to tell him.”

This defies logic. This encourages sick, self destructive and toxic relationships that are built on fallacies. Who in their right mind believes that hiding or keeping things from your team mate in life is a prescription for happiness and/or success? And who would tolerate it from their significant other thinking it was acceptable? Your partner (and they are clearly talking about long-term relationships) must be the safe place that you can fall; the one person you can always share anything and everything with. Accepting less for any reason is short changing yourself.

To whit, I present to you some of their horrific rules. These are things you should lie about to your man. What a fantastic building block:

Numbers 1 &2: How many people you have slept with. The premise of each of these absurd notions is that men neither want an over-experienced slut bag nor an untrained dead lay. The capping line of this garbage is “we men like to think that our girl has sampled a few alternatives, but not too many, before realizing we are the absolute best.” What tripe. This author needed to be hugged by his father less and his mother more while growing up. Only a complete loser would place such absurd restrictions on the sexual history of the girl he chooses for eternity. Confident men know that all experiences that came before the two of you met made her the girl he fell in love with. Confident men see a sexually experienced woman as an exciting adventure, while women with less sexual experience are viewed as an opportunity to learn and grow together intimately.

Numbers 4 & 6 are so repulsive they almost demand that the article be shred as they involve lying about the most trivial of things; only a total loser would care or be “grossed out” by these things. “I bleach my moustache,” is one of them and the other is “I have an embarrassing medical disorder.” On the moustache issue, why would a man of any stature care? Shouldn’t he be glad about this? Why would he want to date a woman who cared so little about her appearance that she DIDN’T bleach her hairy lip? The premise of the article is that men don’t want to know that their women grow hair…what the hell is this? 4th grade? As for the second fine piece of advice, isn’t this lovely; hide your IBS from your man because he’s too immature to handle the fact that women poop. Good Lord. I grant you that sharing intestinal problems on a first date is not attractive, but remember, these are tips on things to hide forever! 
Numbers 5 & 8 go back to sex and deal with women lying about whether or not they have ever slept with a celebrity or someone their guy knows. Again, this demands that the man is so lame and devoid of self esteem that he is intimidated by the fact that the butcher down the street nailed his woman three years ago. As for the celebrity issue, apparently we are supposed to believe that it’s too intimidating to accept that our gal was able to corral someone famous, because we are such losers that we’ll never live up to that stature. This is sickening. Confident men look at it this way; if you’ve slept with Tiger Woods, it’s almost like we’re sleeping with his wife Elin. Homerun.

Number 9 is the last one I will choose to highlight because I am actually feeling a little nauseous writing this. I cannot believe that people actually go through life believing this garbage. Number 9 sums up all that I have written; that men need to be so coddled and protected that they simply can’t handle the real world. I recall not too long ago that it was the men who were supposed to protect the women in our society; what a nation of wieners we have become! Number 9 suggests that one of the things you should never tell your man is that you “hate his favorite band.” What a joke. Thanks for the parody, by the way. Yes, that’s right, all men are so “into their music” and secretly desirous to be in a heavy metal band that we simply could not stand to hear that our gal doesn’t like Van Halen as much as we do. This is simply unbelievable. Why in the hell would a man care whether or not his girl liked his favorite band? Am I to believe that differing opinions and tastes are no longer allowed or encouraged in American homes?

I realize that what I am about to write doesn’t sell magazines but it is the best advice you’re ever going to get so pay attention. If you want to find a wonderful partner to spend your life with, fall in love with yourself first. Learn that you and the things you like and believe in are meaningful and valuable and defendable and that no one should or will ever take them away from you. Decide that if someone takes joy in telling you that anything that matters to you is silly that is a commentary on them, not you. Confidently know that you are willing to stand up for yourself and your virtues with an open mind and that you will demand nothing but the same from anyone else of importance in your life. Understand that disagreement and dissent is what makes this nation and this life so wonderful. People who have passionate views are passionate about everything that matters in life; most notably passion (think: sex).

If you take the time to find the ability to truly understand how great you are, you will immediately view the people you allow into your life on a whole new level. You will demand more of them because you’re worth it.