Last week we had a Dr. Rob letter from a woman who is about to be married and loves everything about her future husband and can’t wait for their life together…except for one thing…she wants children he does not. Of course this is a BIG one thing. She wanted to know if she should just marry him and hopefully he will change his mind, or is this something that could end things for them….

Rob let her know that yes of course this is something that could end her relationship and also told her she needs to ask herself if she is willing to go ahead and marry him and he doesn’t ever change his mind, is that something she could live with or would she end up leaving  him, or maybe she would end up being okay with the fact that they are not having children. Rob knowing me for the past 20 years and knowing throughout that time that I have always wanted children and also knowing that I have a great guy in Gary asked me if I would be able to stay with my husband if for some reason we couldn’t have children because of him would I stay married….my answer most definitely I would stay married.

In my late 20’s I was engaged to a guy who at the time did not want children, I at the time was so caught up with the “idea” of marriage and children that is was easy for me to say well then that’s a deal breaker and you are right we should not be getting married. It wasn’t because I wanted children and he didn’t that our relationship ended,  you have to be willing to look at the bigger picture, it was because with or without kids  he wasn’t the right man for me and I wasn’t the right woman for him.

I think we get so caught up with whether someone wants kids or not that we miss out on the actual person and relationship sometimes. What is important is finding someone that is your best friend, your lover, your safe place, someone who sees their desires, needs and wants as important as yours, someone you can count on as your teammate then whether you have kids or not as far as I see it is truly irrelevant. There are plenty of couples that get married and both want children and are told they can’t get pregnant, and for whatever reason adoption isn’t working out for them or just isn’t a route they want to go..and yet they stay married and are happy with the marriage they have built even though it didn’t end up including children.

Absolutely having children for many is a deep desire, I get it it’s one of mine. But if Gary and I were told that having a kid just wasn’t going to happen for us, yes I would mourn that like any normal human being would!! And then I would continue being married to Gary. I didn’t marry him based on whether we would have kids or not I married him for the person he is and the relationship we have. The gal in the letter has a tough decision to make but hopefully it will be made easier not because her future husband may or may not want kids but because he truly is the person she wants to build her life with and that is Wonderful!